I'll be your friend.
olitko äsken vallilassa?
jos olit ni oisinpa tullu mukaan. täällä missä oon on tylsää.
toisaalta oli pitkästä aikaa sellainen ilta etten halunnut edes kuolla. kävelin jopa rauttikselle yksin. en tiedä miksi kerron tätä sulle. ehkä siksi että näin jonkun sun näköisen tyypin vallilassa bussin ikkunasta. ja aina tavallaan toivon että uskaltaisin joskus lähteä sille kaljalle.
Saatoin olla tohon aikaan Vallilassa! En tosin ole varma missä tarkalleen ottaen olin. Yllättäen en kuitenkaan ollut kotona.En kyllä näytä nyt itseltäni. Kävin parturissa ja se tuli saksineeksi hiukseni niin tehokkaasti että näytän munamieheltä.Missä itse olit tylsistyneenä kello 22.01? Muuttuiko ilta paremmaksi? Tule kaljalle, olen kroonisen epäpelottava. Mulla on vielä viikko aikaa kaljoitella ihmisten kanssa, sen jälkeen en voi harrastaa sitä pitkään aikaan koska polveni operoidaan.
Mitä olet tehnyt polvellesi tai kuka on hyökännyt polvesi kimppuun? Oletko liukastellut kohtalokkaasti?
Anteeksi vastaukseni hitaus, olen tehnyt hyvin kunnianhimoisesti ja intensiivisesti en-mitään. Menen joka aamuyö voipuneena nukkumaan ja ajattelen että olen todella käyttänyt päivän olemassaoloani tavalla josta on syytä olla ylpeä. Tämä ei ole vitsi, suurin osa ihmisistä ei koskaan tajua kuinka paljon arvoa piilee siinä ettei toisinaan tee mitään.Niin, polvijutussa on kysymys Jumalan kostosta. Tietääkseni en edes ole tehnyt mitään erityisesti rankaisemisen arvoista, mutta käsittääkseni Jumala kostaakin nimenomaan perisynnistä, joka on sisäsyntyisesti yhteistä meille kaikille.En tosin ole koskaan ymmärtänyt, miksi Jumala ylipäätään varta vasten loi ihmisille _kyvyn_ tehdä syntiä, jos Hän kerran vihaa syntiä niin paljon. Kenties jonain päivänä ymmärrän. Olen viime aikoina lueskellut mm. Johanneksen evankeliumia, se on ihan hyvä. Kauheitakin ihmisiä on syytä rakastaa, he tarvitsevat sitä kaikkein eniten. Näin viidennen kerran unta, jossa olin n. 60-vuotias Charlie Chaplin. Yleensä 60-vuotiaana Chaplinina yritän tehdä jotain normaalia - esim. uida tai harrastaa seksiä - mutta en vain kerta kaikkiaan pysty. Omituista. Älä huoli, vastaan muihin viesteihin myöhemmin. Olin hyvin onnellinen lapsena halloweenia juhliessani.
Niin aivan, itselläni tuo en-tee-mitään-tila on vain hieman liian yleinen.Mun olisi syytä lukea Raamattu loppuun. Viimeksi en kyennyt jatkamaan seitsemättä sivua pidemmälle, sillä sain naurukohtauksen kohdassa, jossa luki: "Tubal-Kainilla oli sisar, jonka nimi oli Naama".Käsittääkseni kristinuskovaiset yleensä selittävät Jumalan rakastaneen ihmisiä niin paljon, että antoi meille ihmisille vapauden tehdä mitä haluamme. Elämä olisi varmasti aika rajoittunutta, jos meiltä olisi poistettu kaikki toiminnot, joilla kykenee tekemään myös syntiä. Todennäköisesti joutuisimme elämään Jumalan ohjaamina marionetteina, jolloin Jumala huolehtisi siitä, ettemme vahingossakaan tee mitään vahingollista. Toisaalta jotkut uskovat meidän nytkin olevan Jumalan marionetteja, jolloin siis Jumala itse tekee pahaa.Jos olisi olemassa jokin yksi, persoonallinen, henkilömäinen jumala, olen varma, että hän olisi yksinäinen, sairas, turhautunut lapsinero ja (lapsi)hullu, jolla olisi valtavasti älykkyyttä ja luomisvoimaa, muttei mitään järkevää käyttöä niille. Lapsiraukka on vain hieman sekaisin; antakaa Hänelle anteeksi.Ala-asteella pidimme aina halloween-juhlat tunkkaisessa pommisuojassa, mutta emme kutsuneet sinne erästä kaveriamme, sillä hän nauroi liian kovaäänisesti. Olimme julmia lapsia.Toissavuonna olin halloweenina psykologin työhuoneessa kuuntelemassa (mielestäni) huonoja lastenlauluja.
Itseasiassa mun ehkä pitäisi sittenkin olla tekemättä mitään hieman suunnitelmallisemmin ja määrätietoisemmin.
Ei-minkään-tekeminen on parhaimmillaan viihtyisää tyhjyyttä, jossa omalle mielelle jää tilaa. Usein tämä vaatii tietysti sitä, että tekee kuitenkin hieman _jotain_, esim. istuu (mieluiten tyhjässä) bussissa ja kuuntelee musiikkia.Pidän myös kylpemisestä. Viime yönä makasin kylpyammeessa neljä tuntia. Pidän mahdollisena, että itsensä liottaminen neljä tuntia lämpimässä vedessä on jollain tavalla julma teko iholleni, mutta en olekaan koskaan kaihtanut julmuutta omaa ihoani kohtaan. Kylpiessäni luin kirjaa miehestä, joka kärsi maatessaan, kävellessään ja virtsatessaan niin kovista kivuista, että luuli olevansa vakavasti sairas, mutta oivalsikin lopulta olevansa yksinkertaisesti helvetin pingottunut ja kireä ihminen. Hän opetteli istumaan paikoillaan ja hengittämään, ja vapautui vähitellen tuskistaan.Erinomainen selitys syntiasialle. En ole koskaan ajatellut sitä noin. Mietin silti yhä, miksi Jumala on tehnyt itseensä uskomisesta niin vaikeaa, jos Hänelle kuitenkin kaikkein tärkeintä on nimenomaan se että me uskomme Häneen. Miksei Jumala antanut uskoa lähtökohtaisesti kaikille? Se tuntuisi reilummalta ratkaisulta.Vastaan tässä myös sähköpostiisi, sillä oma sähköpostini toimii nyt hyvin jähmeästi. Viestisi oli varsin suloinen. Mielestäni esittämistäsi kysymyksistä tärkein ja kiireellisin on seuraava:"Minkä ikäinen arvioisit Nuuskamuikkusen olevan?"Mielestäni Nuuskamuikkunen on selvästi nuorukainen. Hänessä näkyy kuitenkin jo jonkin verran elämänkokemuksen tuomaa viisautta. Veikkaan, että Nuuskamuikkunen on n. 29. Selvästi vanhempi kuin Muumipeikko, joka on ehkä 14. Nipsu näyttää nuorelta, mutta on 80.Tämän lähetettyäni aion olla jonkin aikaa invalidi ja eristäytyä maailmasta kirjoittamaan. Palaan kyllä lopulta, ellen syystä tai toisesta kuole, mutta tässä syy sille etten ole vastaava mihinkään vähään aikaan.Miksi olit psykologin työhuoneessa kuuntelemassa lastenlauluja? Tämä kiinnostaa minua.
Itse olen liottanut vasenta kantapäätäni jääkylmissä vesilätäköissä, ja nyt se ulvoo kuivuutta ja sitä vihloo. Ehkä munkin olisi syytä vain hengitellä rauhassa.Enpä tiedä. Luulen, että ihminen sekoaisi, jos hän yllättäen pystyisi käsittämään koko valtavan Jumalan ja tuntisi hänet läpikotaisin. Siksi Jumalan on oltava salattu ja pyhä, eikä hänestä näinollen voida saada empiiristä tietoa. Tavallaan se on ihmistä suojelevaa, ettei ihmisen pieni mieli lähtökohtaisesti ymmärrä Jumalaa täysin. Ja koska Häntä ei voida järjellä käsittää, ainoa tapa lähestyä Jumalaa on vähän hankalasti uskon kautta. Ja toki Jumala haluaa ihmisten uskovan häneen ja rakastavan häntä, kukapa ei haluaisi.Mutta on melko turhaa haikailla tuon kristinuskon Jumalan perään. Epäilen nimittäin, että jonkinlainen anonyymi jumaluus on olemassa, mutten oikein ole kovinkaan hyvin selvillä sen luonteesta. Jonkinlainen passiivinen hengen huipentuma käsittääkseni.Selvä pyy.Minut oli kutsuttu sinne kummittelemaan. (näytin tosin ennemminkin joltain tärähtäneeltä vampyyri-imitaatiolta) Psykologi ei ollut paikalla, ellei sitten jonkin hämärän henkiolennon muodossa. Joku anonyymeistä haamuista halusi soittaa joitain lastenlauluja suurimman osan aaveista jo poistuttua paikalta.
Aurinko, hellyyden ja elämän tulisijaSäkenöi palavaa rakkautta sulostuneeseen maahanJa kun heittäytyy ruoholle alhaalla laaksossa voi haistaaKuinka maa on hemaisevan nuori ja verta pullollaanKuinka sen suunnaton rinta jonka sielu ilmaan läähättääOn, kuin Jumala, uneksittu rakkaudesta, ja kuin nainen, lihastaMahlasta ja säteistä turpeana se kätkee sylissäänJokaikisen alkion aavaa kuhinaa!Ja kaikki kasvaa, ja kaikki kohoaa!Venus, Jumalatar!Minä janoan muinaisen nuoruuden päiviäIrstaiden elostelijoiden ja eläimellisten faunien aikaaKun Jumalat purivat oksien kuoria hulluina rakkaudestaJa suutelivat lumpeissa vaaleahiuksista neitsyttä!Janoan aikaa, kun maailman mahlaJoen vesi, vihreiden puiden ruusunvärinen veriKohisivat Panin suoniin koko maailmankaikkeuden!Kun maa vapisi vihreänä hänen pukinsorkkiensa allaKun pehmeästi suudellen huiluaan, hänen huulensa solisivatLaulujen laulujen laulun taivaan allaKun hän seisoi tasangolla ja kuuli ympärilläänElävän luonnon vastaavan kutsuunKun hiljaiset puut keinuttivat laulavaa lintuaMaa tuuditti ihmiskuntaa, ja koko sininen Valtameri,Ja kaikki elävät olennot rakastivat, rakastivat Jumalassa!Minä kaipaan ihanaa KybeleäJoka taivaltaa jättiläisen ihastuttavanaMustan kiven kosteilla huulilla huimausten halkiHänen kaksoisrinnoiltaan aavojen syvyyksien lomiÄärettömän elämän heleän kuulaat virrat noruivatIhmiskunta autuaana hänen helmassaan kontallaanKuin pikku lapsi imi hänen siunattua nänniään- Koska hän oli vahva, Ihminen oli lempeä ja koruton.Kurjuutta! Nyt hän sanoo: minä tiedän asioitaJa kävelee kuin unissaan silmät kiinni ja korvat lukossa.- Mutta ei ole enää jumalia! ei enää jumalia! Ihminen on Kuningas,Ihminen on Jumala! Mutta suuri usko on Rakkaus!Voi jos ihminen yhä söisi sinun rintaasiJumalten ja ihmisten suuri äiti, KybeleKunpa ihminen ei olisi hylännyt kuolematonta AstarteaJoka kauan sitten nousi sinisten vesien mahtavassa kirkkaudessaJa aallon tuoksuaman lihan kukkana riisui alasti vaaleanpunaisen napansaJonka nuppuun vaahto kuin lumi vyöryi ja tuo musertavan sysikatseinen jumalatarSai satakielen metsissä ja rakkauden sydämissä laulamaan!
Minä uskon! Minä uskon sinuun! jumalainen äitiMerestä syntynyt Afrodite! Voi, matka on katkeraKoska se toinen Jumala naulasi meidät ristilleen;Liha, Marmori, Kukka, Venus, sinuun minä uskon!- kyllä, Ihminen on surullinen ja ruma, surullinen aavan taivaan allaHän omistaa vaatteet, koska hän ei ole enää viatonKoska hän on turmellut ylvään, jumalallisen päänsäJa koska hän on käpertänyt olymposlaisen hahmonsaKuin ikonin roviolla alhaisiin orjuuksiin!Kyllä, vielä kuoleman jälkeen, kalpeina luurankoinaHän toivoo elävänsä ja loukkaa alkukantaista suloa!- Ja Jumalankuva, jolle sinä annoit tuon neitseellisyydenNainen, jossa sinä loihdit meidän savemme taivaiseksiNiin että Ihminen voisi luoda hiukan valoa sieluparalleenJa kohota hitaasti kahlitsemattomassa lempeydessäMaisesta vankilasta päivän kauneuteenMutta naisesta ei ole enää edes huoraksi!- Se on oikein hyvä farssi! ja koko maailma tirskuuSuuren Venuksen pyhälle ja suloiselle nimelle.Jos vain se aika, joka on jo kadonnut, voisi palata takaisin!- Sillä ihminen on mennyttä! Hän on näytellyt loppuun kaikki osansa!Kirkkaassa päivänvalossa, väsyneenä rikkomaan vääriä jumalankuviaHän elpyy alastomana kaikista jumalistaan,Ja, koska hän on taivaasta, hän katselee taivaisiin!Tuo Ihanteellinen, tuo ikuinen ja voittamaton ajatus, joka on KaikkiElävä Jumala tämän lihallisen saven kammioissaNousee, kohoaa, roihuaa hänen kulmiensa alla!Ja kun hän luotaa koko avaruuden rantaaHalveksuen vanhoja kahleitaan, vapaana kaikesta pelostaSinä tulet ja annat hänelle pyhän Vapahduksen!- Kullanhohtoisena, loistavan säteilevänä valtamerien helmastaSinä nouset ylös ja annat aavalle KaikkeudelleÄärettömän rakkauden loputtomassa hymyssään!Maailma värisee kuin suunnaton kannelAavan suudelman vapinassa- Maailma janoaa rakkautta: sinä tulet ja sammutat sen janon.Ihminen on nostanut ylös vapaan ja ylpeän päänsä!Ja alkukantaisen sulouden yhtäkkinen lieskaSaa jumalan vapisemaan lihan alttarilla!Onnellisena nykyhetken hyvästä, kalpeana kärsitystä pahastaIhminen haluaa luodata kaikki syvyydet - ja tietää kaikki asiat! Ajatus,Niin pitkään pelkkä kaakki, niin pitkään sorrettuSyöksähtää hänen otsastaan! Nainen tietää Miksi!. . . .Anna hänen laukata vapaana, niin mies löytää Uskonsa!- Miksi sininen hiljaisuus, käsittämätön avaruus?Miksi kultaiset tähdet vilisevät kuin hiekka?Jos kohoaisi ikuisesti, niin mitä ihminen näkisi siellä?Paimentaako joku tätä maailmojen suunnatonta laumaaTämän avaruuden kauhun lävitse?Ja vapisevatko kaikki nämä maailmat aavassa ilmassaKun ikuinen ääni soi?- Ja Ihminen, voiko hän nähdä? voiko hän sanoa: Minä uskon?Onko ajatuksen kieli mitään muuta kuin uni?Jos ihminen syntyy niin nopeasti, jos elämä on niin lyhytMistä hän oikein tulee? Vajoaako hän syvään Valtamereenbakteerien, sikiöiden ja alkioiden huikean sulatusastian hautaanJossa Luontoäiti herättää hänet henkiin, elävän olennonRakastelemaan ruusussa ja vihannoimaan maississa?Me emme voi tietää! - Meidät painetaan kumaraanTietämättömyyden viitalla, jonka khimerat ovat päärmänneetIhmiset kuin apinat, putoavat meidän äitiemme kohduista,Meidän heikko järkemme kätkee äärettömyyden meiltä!Me haluamme ymmärtää: - ja Epäilys rankaisee meitä!Epäilys, kamala lintu, iskee meidät lakoon siivellään- Ja horisontti syöksyy näkyvistä loputtomassa liidossaan!Valtava taivas on auki! salaisuudet makaavat kuolleinaSeisovan Ihmisen edessä, joka laittaa kätensä puuskaanLuonnon yltäkylläisen ja suunnattoman loiston muassaHän laulaa . . . ja metsät laulavat, joet mumisevatLaulu täynnä onnea joka kohoaa valoa kohti!- se on pelastus! se on rakkaus! se on rakkaus!. . .
Lihan mahti! Ihanteellinen loisto!Rakkauden uudistuminen, voiton sarastusKun, Jumalat ja sankarit maahan vaipuneinaValkea Callipyge ja pikkuinen ErosRuusun emien lumeen huntuneina hyväilevätTyttöjä ja kukkia heidän ihastuttavien ojennettujen nilkkojensa alla!Oi suuri Ariadne joka vuodatat kyyneleesi rannalle, kun tuolla ulkona aalloillaTheseuksen purje liitää valkoisena auringon allaOi suloinen neitsytlapsi, jonka yö on särkenytOle hiljaa! Lysios, jonka hekumalliset tiikerit ja ruosteenkarvaiset pantterit ovat vetäneetHalki Frygian niittyjen saa sinisten jokien mustat sammaleet punastumaanKultaisissa vaunuissaan kirjavanaan tummia rypäleitä- Zeus, Härkä, tuudittaa kaulallaan Europan alastonta ruumista kuin lasta Tyttö heittää valkean käsivartensa Jumalan lihaksikkaan kaulan ympärille joka vapisee aallokossaHitaasti hän kääntää unisen silmänsä häntä kohti;Tyttö painaa alas kalpean poskensa kuin kukanZeukselle otsalle; hänen silmänsä ovat kiinni; hän on kuolemaisillaanJumalaisessa suudelmassa, ja mumisevat vedetSinkoavat kultaisen vaahtonsa kukkasia hänen hiuksilleen- Oleanterin ja räikeän lootuspuun välissäLipuu suuri uneksiva joutsen joka helposti rakastuuKietoen Ledan siipensä valkoiseen- Ja sillä aikaa kun Cypris soljuu ohi, oudon suloisena,Hän köyristää selkänsä ihmeellisen kaarenJa paljastaa ylpeänä kultaisen näyn täyteläisistä rinnoistaanJa mustan sammaleen verhoilemasta lumisesta massustaan- Herkules, villipetojen kesyttäjä, Voimiensa tunnossaVerhoaa jyrkeän ruumiinsa leijonantaljallaja nousee kohtaamaan taivaan rannat, hänen kulmansa hirvittävät ja suloiset!Kesäkuun aavistuksen valaisemanaSeisovana ja pystyssä alasti unelmoiden hänen kalvakkuutensa kullassaHänen pitkien sinisten hiustensa raskaan aallokon juovittamanaVarjoisalla metsäaukiolla, missä tähdet katsovat sammaleestaDryadi luo silmänsä ylös äänettömälle taivaalle- Valkoinen Selene, arasti, antaa huntunsa kelluaKauniin Endymionin jalkojen yllä,Ja lähettää hänelle suudelman kalpeassa säteessä...- Kevät nyyhkyttää kauan, kaukana hurmoksessaSe on neitsyt, joka uneksii kyynärpää komean nuorukaisen uurnallaJota vasten hänen aallokkonsa painautuu- Rakkauden pehmeä tuuli on kulkenut yössä,Ja pyhissä lehdoissa suurten puiden seisovien hiusten keskelläKuninkaallisen puistatuksen varjoisat Marmorit,Jumalat, joiden otsille punatulkut pesivät- He kuuntelevat Ihmisiä ja päättymätöntä Maailmaa!
Olin tosi naiivi, kun kuvittelin että sairaala- ja toipilasaikanani "kirjoittaisin helvetisti" tai jotain. Olen elänyt kuusi viikkoa lojuen ja syöden kipulääkkeitä. Olen kyllä myös ontunut ja raahautunut ympäriinsä, lukenut kirjoja ja katsonut Frendien uusintoja. Mutta en ole kirjoittanut mitään. En ole myöskään jaksanut olla juuri ollenkaan internetissä. Tämä kaikki on loppujen lopuksi ollut aika mukavaa, ainakin nyt kun pahimmat kivut ovat ohi, mutta yritän nyt vähän ryhdistäytyä ja vastata vähitellen mm. kommenteihin joita tähän blogiin on kertynyt.
Love to you all
I discovered your English blog a couple weeks ago, and it's so good, I couldn't stop thinking about your posts. I wanna understand what you talk about in this blog so badly. I'm gonna learn Finnish just to be able to understand this blog.
Wow, that's very kind. Amazing. Thank you.I have a hard time believing this, though... The main reason is that the English blog is very messy and silly, or at least I was a very messy and silly person when I wrote those posts. Another reason is that it's quite rare for human beings to be so impressed by a thing that they decide to learn a strange language just to be able to understand the thing better. It happens, but not often. But maybe life is even weirder than I think it is, and you're not just some friend of mine being funny. In that case, what did you appreciate about that blog? How did you even discover it? Make me see it differently.
If you're somebody trying to make me feel better about myself, then that's lovely, thanks.
Oh, I wish I was a friend of yours. But I'm not, and everything I wrote is my true feelings. The time that I discovered your blog is a few days after I watched My Own Private Idaho. I loved River Phoenix's character so much and when i was bored in class, I was browsing google image search results of him on my phone, and I tapped a picture, and the source was your blog and... Sorry, my English language skills are not good enough to write about how I feel, and I'm just embarrassing myself. So, I found your blog that way, read some of your posts, and they felt like I was reading Holden Caulfield's blog posts. Catcher In The Rye is my favorite book so far. And, oh, they just felt good, I don't know how to explain. Almost everything in life makes me feel bad. But your blog doesn't. That blog is a mess and so am I. Nothing motivates me to do anything, and everybody around me hates me for that. I don't want to do anything. But I really want to learn Finnish, to be able to understand your blog. I'm gonna do it.
Oh, but you might me one of those people who just hate The Catcher in the Rye, and you might not like the thought of being like Holden Caulfield. If so, I'm sorry.
I'll write a proper response later when my eyes are actually capable of seeing what I'm writing. I've been taking these painkillers that keep blurring my vision for some reason. Anyway, I'll come back, just wait
I'm really sorry to hear that. I hope you recover soon and get rid of those pills
Today I see again! Hallelujah. I think it must be because I only took one painkiller this morning. I must say that even though these drugs do strange things to my eyesight, I enjoy taking them... They are 'opiates', so they make me feel like the world is a happy and hopeful place, and I definitely don't feel that way every day. It was a bit cruel to give me these, actually. "Here, take these magic pills. They will make you feel content and relaxed after all those months of sadness and worry. Enjoy them. We'll take them away soon."But that's the way it goes. I guess drugs are not the answer.Pain can make you feel alive, but so can happiness. I'd like to find a _real_ way to have more happiness in my life. I think it'll have something to do with accepting what you cannot change and finding a way to change what you can.The reason why I'm taking painkillers is that I had a surgery on my leg about seven weeks ago. It's a complicated story. Now my leg's aching again, by the way, so I took another opiate. Let's hope that I manage to write this Proper Response before my eyes start to blur again.Anyway, the most important thing is that I believe you, and the main reason for that is that I have no reason not to. Everybody I know - with the exception of my family members, of course - has come into my life because of these blogs. For years I sat here alone, writing this nonsense, and then people found it. Found me. It feels good that there are people who see some meaning in the things I've written.The better I got to know other humans in real life, the better I got to know myself. Maybe that's why I sometimes feel like these blogs were written by some kind of confused little brother of the person I'm today. Naturally, the person I'm today is the confused little brother of the person I'm going to be 5 years from now. That's the way it goes.I've heard that before, that I write like Holden Caulfield. I can't explain it. I read 'Catcher' last summer, and it was good. It wasn't the best book I read last summer, but it was good. (It could be one of those things that get better when you return to it later.) The thing about Holden that I could really identify with was his tendency to suddenly feel sad and sorry for somebody, over really obscure things. I don't know. Holden is all emotion, but I think I also have a rational side. Or at least a side that stands in the corner, watching me do irrational things all the time.I like River Phoenix. I also like his brother. It's a horrible thing that River died. He could be one of the greatest actors of today. He seemed like such a great person too, he had a mind and a backbone, and not everybody has those. But he's dead. Maybe the horribleness of that makes Joaquin Phoenix more fierce as an actor, but I guess he'd prefer having his brother alive.So, I promised to write a proper response, and then disappeared for 8 days, but here it is, my proper response! I hope it's not overwhelming, and I hope you're feeling good. It makes me feel bad to hear life makes you feel bad. Trust me, it often makes me feel bad too. Luckily I've noticed that losing hope completely is very difficult, somehow there's always a little light left.Now that my eyes possibly work again, I'm going to continue writing my book. I haven't been able to do that for weeks (months) now. I really want to start writing again. I'm the kind of writer who has to enter a flow state in order to write well. And in order to enter a flow state, I have to get rid of certain things in life - so I'll be going mostly offline now, maybe for a week or two. After that, I'll come back.But now I really need to know:What is your language? Do you like it?What do you like about River Phoenix?How old are you?What is your favourite kind of dog?Do you like your parents?What about the weather outside? Do you like it?
Oh, I forgot:Do you like drinking alcohol?What is the longest time you've spent without taking a shower?
I feel alive. I've been refreshing this page to see if you wrote anything once in every 5 minutes since your last response. I got frustrated after the 4th day and my life was pretty meaningless. I hate to sound pathetic, but when I saw that the top of the page said "24 kommenttia" instead of 22, I was so happy I could cry. Thank you for your satisfying response, although it makes me slightly overwhelmed because I'm not worth something this long and well-written. You changed me. You made me a better person. Made me see stuff with a different perspective. Before your blog, I wouldn't even consider going vegan. Oh god, how ignorant I was! I still eat meat and dairy products because I'm a weak piece of shit, and I feel horrible for it. In order to go vegan, I'll have to cook my own food and start a war against my parents (because I talked to them about this veganism and animal rights stuff and they don't support it at all), and it's just so hard for a lazy asshole like me. I also hate the 80% of vegetables so it will be a real struggle for me. Cutting meat off will be easy, I've always felt uncomfortable eating it anyways, but dairy is what I eat all the time. With a little devotion, I'll cut that off too. I wanna be a good person. I've read just a small bit of your posts. Because I'm too scared to run out of them. After I read all of them, I'll probably re-read them and write detailed analyzes for each post on a journal. Then I'll spend the rest of my days trying to understand your Finnish posts. I've found a website that can teach me Finnish, I'm gonna start practising soon. "How adults are creating a generation of apathetic jerks" is incredible. It's so well-written, it blew my mind. Everything that's written there is so true and it makes me so furious. It's always been on my mind since I read it. Fuck school. I don't wanna waste my time and energy trying to learn those dumb and useless shit anymore. "Masturbating to The Order of the Phoenix" is amazing. "Burden off my shoulders" is amazing. All of the stuff that's written there is amazing, but "Poor twisted child, so ugly, so ugly; the poor twisted child, oh hug me, oh hug me" killed me. There's nothing better than that in the universe. I love it so much. "Fuck you. You should feel ashamed of yourselves. Fuck you for everything." "...everybody dies. You will die too, and that makes me so happy." "Bitch, you'd be fucked up too." "Fuck you. I like Cat Power. They say she's insane, I hope that it's true. You should watch this. Fuck you for everything. You are a horrible person for reading this and you should go to Hell and stay there for 10 minutes." I know these insults aren't directed at me, but it amuse me to think that they are. It feels good to think that they are directed at me, I don't know why. "You are a horrible person for reading this and you should go to Hell and stay there for 10 minutes." How did you even come up with this sentence? It's genius. You are a genius. It's good that you are aware of it. Also that is the post that made me fall in love with you. The way you describe yourself and your pain touched my soul. And those pictures, are they even real? They look too good and artistic. I wanna die. http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-y1se-HOKFHI/U_AYE9j94aI/AAAAAAAACQk/HeeO4VWp900/s1600/turku.jpg I thought about the story about this picture for hours. You are too intelligent and good to be happy. Good people are always sad. I'm sorry it is like this, you don't deserve this. I don't know how the feel about your drugs; should I be glad that they make you feel good, or should I just hate them? I don't know. I need some kind of drug too right now. But I'm certainly very sorry about your leg. If I lived near you, I would send you a "get well soon" card.
You are the best writer I have ever seen. Forget about 'Catcher' and all, your writngs are so much better than that. I kinda regret saying that stuff now. I guess I'm a horrible person, but I don't feel bad that River Phoenix is dead. He didn't like life. He was too good for this earth. I would have love to see more of his movies, but I believe death was a better thing for him than life. You are so kind, especially for writing such a long response for me. It made me feel good. Waiting until you come back will be less painful now. I'm excited for your book. When will it be out? When will I be able to order it? I would want to have it even if I can't understand it. Now, the answers to your questions:My native language is Turkish. Please don't hate me, Turks are awful people and the rest of the worl is so right for hating us. I have a love-hate relationship with my language. Sometimes I hate it because it contains just too much Arabic and Persian words. When I'm talking, half of the words I say come from a foreign origin and I hate that. However, I still love how my language sounds, our idioms, curse words, the way it allows you to express yourself... And I love Turkish literature so much. The thing that made me love River Phoenix is the character of Mike Waters. The look in his eyes, the way he spoke, the way he acted... Ugh, I can't explain this. I just loved him. He became my favorite actor. Also every non-vegan feels like a villian to me now, so he is one of the few people I truly love. And he features John Frusciante on an amazing song called Height Down. River's voice is so good, so pure; it made me love him more. I'm a 16 year old baby. It's so embarrassing. My age is probably the reason why I loved Holden so much, we are at the same age. I'm gonna disappoint you on this, I have no knowledge about dog species at all. My favourites are just stray dogs. I think I have the best parents I could have. They love me so much and unconditionally. And I'm so lucky that they are educated people. Although they are conservative muslims, they didn't force their beliefs on me when I was a child, so I'm able to think freely and have my own opinions about life and religion now (Most kids are taught to devote their life to Islam in Türkiye.). But, they can be very close-minded. For example, they are homophobic. The weather was just perfect today, it was painfully hot lately; but today it was mostly cloudy and there was a cool breeze. I loved it. I wish the answer to this question was "yes". I feel like it would make you like me more. But I've never drunk alcohol before. I'm not sure about the last one. Two weeks, maybe. Give or take a couple of days.
this is so brilliant so mad. it's beautiful how people just end up here and fall in love with you, brander. yoǘ're a strange guy. i'm happy you exist. thanks.I happen to be reading that book at the moment, and i can see the similarity. but i agree that you're better. too bad you stopped blogging.
You sweet person from Turkey,I write this in order to ease your pain of not being answered yet. Don't be afraid or anything, relax! Being a friend of Brander's, I can say that he is as sweet and innocent as a human being can be. He is not exactly a human-human, though, more like a cute little dog somehow lost in human flesh. Most probably, that is, for sure he likes you just the way you are, and far as I know, the first time he drank alcohol was when he was over 18. The first time he drank himself to so-called kaatokänni (a state of being extremely drunk) was when he was 20. It doesn't matter anyway. Nationality does not matter either. We are all individuals.My name is Santeri. Nice to meet you. So exotic and international. Here in Helsinki, in our little ring of Brander's, we are like oh yeah, is this really true? How can some person from THE OUTER WORLD end up to that Finglish pigsty and actually feel the Brander-flash? I had it as well, but it is the Finnish blog of course which I was reading, and it is naturally way more intense, more nuanced, telling the disoriented story of this messy little Fenno-Holden in its fragmented totality, whereas the Finglish one is mainly just some bland shadow of all that.I WANT TO ASK SOME QUESTIONS TOO. May I?Thank you.Have you heard any music of Morrissey?https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLkwnM0BJR4What about this?Have you eaten asparagus? Do you like it?Do you live in a huge city, in a little town, wilderness, or where?How does the Finnish language sound to your ear?How are you now?Who am I?What the hell is happening in this world?Do you like poetry?Anteeks Olli jos varastin sun ukkosen mut mulla oli vähän tylsää.
This is so cool!WE ARE YOUR FRIENDS
p.s. I like answering questions. You are free to ask me!! Some absurd questions, some more reasonable ones! Questions are the best. I'm nice and the right hand of Olli's, or at least the leg, the one which he can use now.
Hello dear Santeri, Reading the stuff you wrote was the first thing I did this morning after I woke up. Sorry for not responding soon enough, it took a long time for me to feel ready to respond. I'm still in shock, kind of. I don't think anybody's been this nice to me. I don't think I've ever met a person this friendly. And I can't relax because I know that if you knew me in real life, or even got to know me better on the internet, you would know that I'm absolute garbage. There is nothing more to me, really. You beautiful soul. I can't believe you exist. And I know that Olli is as sweet and innocent as a human being can be. You can understand that from his blog. Thanks for the information about Olli's drinking history. It made me feel better about myself. I'm also really happy about your opinion on nationality. My name is Ayşe! Wow, what an ugly name, compared to Santeri or Olli. Of course it is, it's an Arabic word. I'm gonna change it just like Olli did. I've been wanting to change it for a long time, but I couldn't find anything better.Are you people really talking about me? Are you actually excited about the rubbish I wrote on this blog? I'm so ecstatic. I'm so not worth all of this! Thank you, thank you thank you! You lovely people! I already guessed that the Finnish blog would be even better. I'm really excited to read them. Also I'm extremely sorry for writing the same words over and over again. The words I write feels so blank and shallow. I should practise writing in English. Hell, I've never even tried to write something in my native language. I'm also horrible at expressing myself. Please don't get bored.
I'm happy to answer your questions. Of course I've listened to Morrisey before. Since I worshipped Olli Brander, I had to worship Morrissey too. I tried my best to get myself to enjoy his music. Unfortunately, I wasn't completely succesful. I think it's because I'm not mature enough for his music. Still, I think "Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want" by The Smiths is great. I fell in love with the lyrics, and the music too. However, since I'm an immature baby, I like Deftones' cover of that song better. That cover feels perfect. It gives me pain that I have to disappoint you, but I just cannot love Morrissey's voice. I know how frustrated it makes you feel when the person you show your favorite music doesn't like it, or doesn't get really excited about it. I was scared that I wouldn't like "Speedway", but after listening to it a few times, it started to feel great. I listened to it over and over again so many times. I especially love the music, it's similar to the stuff I normally listen. And also, Morrissey has a song called "İstanbul"! Can you believe it? He liked something about this trash country so much, he decided to make a song about it! How exciting! It's sad that I don't enjoy the song that much, though. I've never eaten asparagus. It's because we have never had a meal that included asparagus at home, and I've never wondered how it tasted. But I wanna try it now. Why did you ask? Is it your favorite food? Or was that just a random question? The city that I live in is called İzmir. It's not a huge city, but it's the third biggest city in Turkey. Not really big, not really small. It might be an amazing city but I don't know because I barely ever get out of home. Because my parents don't let me. I almost only leave home in order to go to school. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THE FINNISH LANGUAGE IT'S GREAT. I've been a fan of Nordic languages for a long time. Also, both Finnish and Turkish are members of the Ural-Altaic language family! That excites me. Right now I feel great. I'm full of hope and happiness, thanks to you. You are an incredibly beautiful soul who amazes me with its existence, that's who you are. Too much things are happening in the world and I can't keep up. Right now we are sharing our city with a lot of refugees, it's heartbreaking to see their situation. Our lovely government shot down Russian warplanes a while ago. Olli Brander is writing books. I'm gonna change my school. I don't know anything else... I've never came across a good poem that touched my soul. And sadly I've thought poetry was just cheesy for a long time. But now I know that there are pieces of poetry out there that I will love, I just have to look for them. I tried to translate that Finnish sentence using Google Translate. I failed. I have a few questions;I think I found your facebook account. Are you Santeri Oivonoja? Is that you in your profile picture? How did you meet Olli? (Is it okay for me to just call him "Olli"? Should I say "Mr. Brander" or something?)How is it like to live in a developed country? Why are you so nice to some garbage like me? How are you? How is Olli? How is it like to be so close to such a wonderful artist?
The nature of this conversation has changed a little bit now that several people have participated. Maybe that's not a bad thing. Actually, I welcome anyone who passes by to express whatever is going through their minds, join this conversation if you happen to feel like it, the life happening on these blogs is always weird and good.I'm writing this just to let you know that I'll write another Proper Response soon, and in that Proper Response I'll talk about everything. I've been away for this long because I've finally been working on the book quite intensely, and it's been exciting, apparently I just had to take a few months' break to make it work again. Things have been coming to me quite naturally, maybe because I finally mean what I write. The main problem I had for a long time was that even though I was writing a book about shame, I didn't have the guts to write about shame. If you want to write about shame, you have to accept that it's going to be painful and embarrassing and that you have to get naked. When I forced myself to start writing this book embarrassingly and without posing, writing this book became more painful but so much easier.Everything else I have to say I will say later. Now I'll just say that Ayşe is a wonderful name and a beautiful word, and I'm glad that you're no longer just 'Anonymous'. By the way, I want to clarify the question of my name, because when I wrote about it a few years ago I was vague in order to hide my real identity, so to speak. Nowadays there's no particular distinction between my real identity, whatever that means, and my identity here, so I'll clarify that Olli is my actual name, Brander on the other hand is a name I chose because it sounded better to me than the last name I have on my ID. I also imagined professors at Hogwarts saying "Mr. Brander" like they say "Mr. Potter" and that really sealed the deal. However, as long as you're not a professor at Hogwarts, and even if you are, it's completely okay for you to call me Olli. (I guess people usually call me Brander only when they want to make me feel stupid for adopting such a dramatic name.) But anyway, I'll be back soon
dear tsuku-kuku and dear Santeri, I truly appreciate your lovely comments and I'll react Properly later.By the way, "Anteeks Olli jos varastin sun ukkosen mut mulla oli vähän tylsää" roughly means "I'm sorry Olli to steal your thunder but I was a little bored". Santeri is notorious for stealing my thunder, boredom, and other barbaric crimes, but underneath all that, he has a golden heart.
I agree on the name thing with Olli. Do not hate your name, it is beautiful.When I was sixteen, my English was just horrible, very, very bad indeed, I did not partake the teaching at school very actively, so... I did learn this language properly not until I was 20 or so, when I bought a book of poems by T.S. Eliot, and began reading it. So. Now I'm 23. And not very good even for now. I'm just dropping something. That's how you learn. Take no pressure, take no pressure. Everything is fine.I don't think the stuff you wrote is rubbish. I guess it is more about your self-esteem. Me, Olli, and our friends are striving to reach the spirit of Jesus - we are not Christians, though, but anyway, he was a nice guy - we get excited when some lonely soul from the fringes of the world reveals his/her existence in all its deficiencies and dents, and take way more interest in that than to the worldly glory (my use of language might be a bit biblical, but that is not necessarily bad) and making oneself interesting/desirable in the eyes of the public. It is so very simple. It's good enough to be a human being with a warm heart and understanding. This age is full of posing, hypocrisy and egoism. I strongly dislike it. I HATE IT. And we are all pretty desperate as well and it is not very easy for any of us to like ourselves. We are not good Finnish citizens to step on the infernal machine of capitalism, we are marginalized people with great inner struggles. We are garbage, indeed, but it is good to live in a liberal country like Finland where people mainly just ignore each other.All in all, I think this is what it's all about. This is why Olli writes. To reach souls. You are a soul. There is no need to be any more than that. You don't have to SHINE with what you say, because all people have value in themselves. I think there are always more similarities between people than differences -- that is, the root of all evil is in making distinctions. We are just ordinary people with willingness to be good, nothing else.What it comes to Morrissey, I would describe my own relationship to him as ambivalent. He can be seen as some kind of a savior, a Jesus-substitute, but also a destructive figure who kind of provokes the feelings of loneliness and outsiderism to the point in which it starts to affect your feelings about yourself and your life too much. And I have quite a few of friends who do not really care about him. I'm OK with that. In the end, I have come to realize, he is just a lonely guy from Manchester who has got weird charms and makes dangerous art out of his existence....The question about asparagus was... quite random, but I really do like parsa. (That's the Finnish word for it.) It is hard to describe how it tastes... It is quite mild and a bit... sinewy.I am sorry to hear that your parents won't let you get out. I just love to roam the streets of Helsinki, that is what makes me happy, in a fragile sort of way, but anyway. With some 650,000 residents, this is the biggest town in Finland. So, to me Izmir appears as a huge metropolis. But I like it here, there is the sea present almost wherever you go and people do not care if you are a bit weird. I spent most of my childhood and adolescence in a little South-Eastern Finnish municipality of some 10,000 residents, full of boredom and narrow-mindedness. There was actually one TURKISH family, that is, the only foreign family in the vicinity. One weekend local neo-Nazis came on axing the door of their house. That was horrible. Oh, my youth back there was lonely and isolated. I was lucky to have a cousin of my age in Helsinki, so I started visiting him and his friends at the age of sixteen, and moved here permanently a few years ago.Now I have to go to a library and something. Thank you for your questions, I'll response a bit later, now I think that my responsive imagination is running out for a little while and I need to move my limbs a bit, just wait.But yes, that is me. The person in the picture is me.
To Olli, Hello! It's good to hear from you. It makes me feel good. And even thought they changed the nature of this conversation, the other two people who have participated are very nice people who also made me feel good. It was a good change, I agree. You are so nice for keeping me updated. You didn't have to. I am very excited about the book. All this time, I was actually happy that you were working on it, and I was proud of you. It makes me extra excited because shame is the feeling that makes me suffer the most. I feel ashamed for almost everything that I've ever done in my life. So your book sounds like something that I can relate to. Thanks a lot for your words about my name. Now it seems better to me, but it's still an old-fashioned name and makes me appear like a loser.Imagining how it would sound when Hogwarts professors called your name is such a classy way to test if your name is good enough. Is 'Brander' a dramatic name? I can't tell it. It sounds pretty cool to me. I don't know if I should feel bad that Santeri just wrote those stuff out of boredom. But I don't feel bad. He really does have a golden heart. To Santeri, Thanks to you and Olli, my name doesn't seem as disgusting as before now. I mean it. You are actually 7 years older than me, and still interested in sharing your thoughts with me, and listenind to my thoughts. How can this happen? In my perspective you people are much greater human beings than me. I would expect you to look down on me. I would completely understand if you did that. I appreciate that you are trying to comfort me, but how can I relax? It feels like talking to rock stars. Maybe I should try to reach the spirit of Muhammed, even though I'm not a Muslim. He was a nice guy too. When you describe it like that, you make me seem like a pretty decent person. I feel the same as you about this age; all these instagram and snapchat stuff makes me sick, it feels so dystopian and weird. I sometimes check a friend's or a musician's instagram or twitter page and I feel lost. I try to stay away from social medias as much as possible, but still, the internet is my almost only source of information and inspiration. I hate living like this, I can't wait until I finally get a real life. But in order to get that I'll have to start going out. And making friends, which seems impossable to me now. I really don't have any friends, but I learned to be okay with it. How can you describe something this well? Now I'm pretty much sure that I will adore Morrisey at some point in my life. I wish I lived in Helsinki. İzmir is hell. The city is ugly, the people are ugly, nothing is happening and nothing ever will. I'm sure people in here are a lot boring and narrow-minded than that little municipality that you used to live in. And I'm not surprised that there was a Turkish family, Turkish people are EVERYWHERE. It's really horrible what's happened to them. Hey, my youth is lonely and isolated too! Maybe I grow up to be a cool person like you and Olli are. I hope I do. In a couple of years, I'm gonna move to the biggest town in my country too, just like you did. But İstanbul and Helsinki have a slight difference, when it comes to population. İstanbul has 14 MILLION citizens. I've been there a few times, and it's awful, but I just have to move there. That profile picture is so cool. You look like Syd Barrett.
I did not not write my stuff just out of boredom. I was taking a walk in the district of Töölö nearby, thinking of my expression on that, how it possibly could make you feel bad, and it did make ME feel bad. It was just more like an idiomatic spoken-language thing, though written. I was talking to Olli about my interest to write you something several days before I actually did, he can attest this! I was just BORED, went to Olli's blog, thinking of this as a boredom-KILLER!
Oh, Santeri, you could just come to my house and beat me up and I wouldn't feel bad about it. I should have never said that you wrote to me out of boredom. I know you didn't. I'm sorry for making you feel bad, I'm still amazed that you care so much about me. You don't have to explain yourself, at this point I like you so much that nothing that can make me feel anything bad about you from now on. Töölö looks like a beautiful place. On google images.
thanks for accepting me to be part of this wonderful conversation. i'm former "tsuku-kuku"-ah. santeri. i've heard about you. it's interesting to read your words now. -i'm sorry to hear how you feel about yourself, Ayşe. why your parents don't let you go? if it's okay to ask.i'm really curious about Turkey, I don't really know much about it. i've heard it's great for hitchhiking and traveling and i'm considering that i'd visit it someday. can you tell more? about your life and country and everything.i didn't really have friends either as a teenager. or well, i don't have many now, either. just couple and none who'd be truly close. i never learned to be okay with it. so i escaped the whole world to forget it. now i'm more okay with it because at least i have Some friends. i can be alone, too, i like to be alone but i also desperately miss true friends. i hope some lovely people will show up in to your life. you really seem like a lovely person. you're a beautiful soul too. a beautiful soul recognizes another. I haven't heard anyone say someone beautiful soul and could not have thought the same about that person, ever. person who's not a beautiful soul couldn't possibly say things like that. or that's what i think.
Samae, is this your name? Nice to meet you. Don't feel sorry for me, I'm full of hope and dreams! I have friends in Finland now, what more could I ask for? I absolutely hate myself, but I know that I'm becoming a better person day by day and someday I'm gonna be happy with who I am. Many families in Turkey don't let their daughters go out. They are afraid of something bad happening to me. If I want to go out; I have to give them the exact details of where am I going, who am I going out with, what am I going to be doing, and when am I going to be back. If they find all the conditions acceptable, they will let me go out. I usually have to lie in order to go out, and that's a real struggle because I'm a terrible liar. It's interesting that you are curious about Turkey. I don't think I will be able to write nice things; because so far, I've been just hating this place. Everywhere you go, there is just ugliness. The country is like a giant village. There is nothing to and nothing to see. Everywhere is covered with ugly, poorly-made buildings. And above of them, there are a few uglier, even more poorly-made, "modern" skyscrapers. The overall look of the cities are so ugly, so dirty, dull; I think living in such an awful place is one of the factors that caused me to be depressed since my childhood. The current regime is using religion to get votes. The average IQ of the population is very low, so it's very easy to exploit the people's religion in order to get them to like you. Also there is a war in the East and our soldiers are constantly dying. And the country is quite poor as well, we are always in debt, we can't export anything.Turkey is an odd place. It's a strange mixture of Eastern and Western cultures. Actually, it's a great place for tourists. We have amazing historical places to see, especially in İstanbul. I complain about my home all the time, but there are also times that I'm in love with it and sometimes I stumble upon something that makes me think that Turkey is the most beautiful place on earth. Right now, almost all of my problems are caused by the crappy education system in Turkey. I'm pretty sure that we have the worst education system in the entire world. I have to make a decision about my future career and my thoughts are so complicated, I can't find a way out; while everybody around me is telling me their opinions about what should I do and it makes me even more confused. I think Turkey really is great for hitchhiking. Some girl who I know said she sometimes hitchhikes after school to get home. But I'm certain that it's definitely not as cool as 'On the Road'. I'm sorry that I'm not able to give you good and satisfying information. I hope these stuff make some sense... Being a 16 year old teenager, I suck at expressing myself, trying to write in a foreign language makes it even harder. Sorry. It's not a surprise that you didn't have friends when you were a teenager; you are such a kind person, and you seem very intelligent. I know that people in Finland are more intelligent than my people, but people like you are still minorities. How did you escape the whole world? What did you do? I would like to do the same thing, but the world just doesn't let me go. Thanks for your sweet words, you really brightened up my day, I wish the same for you, I'm sure that somebody will appreciate your worth someday soon. Thanks for writing to me, thanks for existing, I haven't been this happy for a long time. I do agree your thoughts about a beautiful soul recognizing another, but am I really a beautiful soul? I'm trying. But it's hard. One thing that's certain is that you are definitely a beautiful soul.
It is my name now. I have many names. I use one and get bored of it and then I made up a new one and so on. But I don't update my new names to everybody, so some people keep calling me by my old names. I think at the moment there's six different names used of me. It's a bit confusing for others. I'm totally cool with it. Except that sometimes it's hard to introduce myself if there's people present who know me by some other name than I want to call myself that moment.Nice to meet you too. For some reason I thought you were a boy. I don't remember if you mentioned earlier that you're a girl but anyways, now I know.Sounds terrible. Now I feel a bit bad that I'm so free to go anywhere I want and my parents can't stop me. Then there's people like you who are not so free. I have done some things even when they have totally disapproved it. Like hitchhiked. Although I don't live at my parents anymore. Thanks for your stories about Turkey, it was very interesting. But I don't believe Turkey is so ugly as you say.I'm kind, I guess. I don't know about intelligence. I feel quite stupid around the people I usually hang out with. I watched movies. And before that I read books or made up stories in my mind. The revival movement (Laestadianism) that I was part of disallowed films. I let go of it lwhen I was 15 and started to watch films. At nights, mostly, because then everybody else was asleep and I was able to be alone and just watch. At the time it was magical, I was mesmerized by pretty much everything I saw. Nowadays I can't achieve that kind of disappearing into a movie. The magic is gone. I'm quite empty these days. Emotionless. It makes me sad and annoyed. I want to FEEL. Not always, of course. But even sometimes is too much. Escaping the world might have had some effect on this whole losing my feelings thing. So I don't really recommend it to anybody. But I totally understand if one wants to escape the world. These days my only escape is certain substances. Certain living things you get from the nature and eat or something and that way achieve different kind of way to see and experience the world. It's more beautiful and interesting and funny and scary and amazing world you see then. And then there's the nature itself of course. Getting as far as possible from cities, to forest or an island. To safety. To peace. To harmony. That way you can disappear at least partly.'How is the nature in Turkey? Do you have proper forests? Are one allowed to camp anywhere in the nature if they feel like it? I'm glad to hear that you feel happier. Thanks for writing and existing, too. You can't try to be a beautiful soul, you just are.
It always made me angry how you couldn't choose your own name, how you had to trust your parents for giving you a good name. I understand that the name they gave you means absolutely nothing now. You can name yourself whatever you want, any time. It doesn't matter what's written in you ID. My ID says that I'm a Muslim. They write "Muslim" on every newborn baby's ID in my country. Such bullshit. It's cool that you just pick yourself a new name whenever you get bored with it, and how you don't care much about people getting confused. I would like to do that but it feels like no other name than this dumb Arabic word suits me. I haven't mentioned that I am a girl before. At first, I assumed you were a girl, too. But then I googled the word "Samae" and it looks like a name which is given to boys. Yeah, it is terrible. But aren't you older than me? Of course you can freely do whatever you want, without your parents stopping you. Don't feel bad about it. In a couple of years my parents won't be able to stop me either. By the way, how old are you?I guess I would never hitchhike. Can you tell me how is it? I would be too scared to get raped. Every now and then, somebody gets brutally raped and murdered in Turkey. I can prove that Turkey really is ugly. Maybe I can take pictures of my school and my city and update them to a blog and maybe you check them out. Would it be too unnecessary?I'm sorry that you lost your ability to disappear into movies. When I watch a good movie or read a good book, I feel similar stuff to how you used to feel. Not as intense as you did, but still. But unfortunately, I am very lazy. In 24 hours I'm only able to do 3 things: go to school, write some rubbish on this blog, and sleep. Before this blog I would just stare at walls or something. Does this state of not enjoying movies have anything to do with not being able to find good movies anymore, or is it completely about you? I wish your numbness is only temporary and you start feeling soon. But I could use some numbness right now. A short while ago I was telling you about how happy I was but right now the only thing I can feel is pain. I'm planning on experiencing with those certain substances soon. I think I can do that without my parents noticing. I really need an escape. A girl in my class had some weed with her today, the same girl who I mentioned before, the one that hitchhikes after school. I gently asked her if she could share it with me. We are kind of friends. But she said no. It was disappointing.
The nature in Turkey is dying. Greedy corporations are constantly starting fires in our forests, and making malls or hotels or whatever. In 2013, our government wanted to cut down some trees which were more than 100 years old in İstanbul, they were going to build a mall. It was the beginning of one of the greatest protest in the history of Turkey. It was known as the Gezi Protests. We were pretty popular in the world's media at that time. Maybe you have heard of it. An important number of people died and tons of them were permanently injured. We like our trees.But despite all that, we do have proper forests. And people can camp almost wherever they want. Suddenly, it's very late. This is bad. If I sleep now, there is no way I can wake up on time, and I don't want to be late for school. But if I decide not to sleep at all this night, I might fall asleep on, like, 8 am, and then sleep through the whole day, which would be the end of me. Because, if I skip school one more day, they kick me out. Or they fail me. What should I do? For now I'm just gonna listen to some music and then see how things work out.
I slept for two and a half hours. I was a bit late for school but it was okay, nobody got mad at me. Also I'm not sleepy at all. We are watching Scarface and everybody's hating it. They can fuck themselves, it's a great movie. I illegally downloaded it yesterday. I'm such a bad girl
It occured to me now that nobody has to enjoy Scarface, and what I said might be offensive. My classmates are not bad people for hating Scarface, I was angry at them for something else and I just wrote that
AAGH sorry that it's taking so long -- I just wanted to you to know that I have read your words and it was very interesting and I will answer eventually
You were right, I'm a girl. I chose Samae because I like it, it doesn't matter if it's typically given to boys.Yeah, I'm older. I'll turn 19 this year. I don't feel bad about it anymore but I kind of did when I was at your age. Hitchhiking is great. Traveling long distances is much nicer that way than sitting in the same bus or a train whole way, I hate that. You can meet quite strange and interesting people when you hitchhike. Boring too. Sometimes it's hard and you get tired of it. But you just have to be totally cool with it, not to worry or fear, not to plan too much. Just take what you get and be happy with it. I'm not very talkative, I'm rather a quiet person, I like to be silent. So sometimes it's annoying that you're kinda expected to be social and chat with the driver. But it's alright, when you find some mutual subjects to talk about. My favorite subject is nature. I just started this thing that I will always - if possibly - ask the driver what's them relationship with the nature. One time after that question all we did was talk about things related to nature. It was beautiful. He told me very interesting stuff, things I wouldn't have expected to hear from a man like him: expensive car, lots of work.. But don't be afraid to hitchhike. It's not that dangerous, really.Oh no, that's not unnecessary at all, that'd be brilliant. If it's not too much trouble to you.Finding good films is definitely not the problem. The problem is in my head or somewhere. I wish that too. People have said that it's possible but takes time. Sometimes it's just so fucking far. Too bad she didn't share. That's strange, actually. Sharing is common when you're dealing with weed. Speaking of it, I just smoked some flower yesterday and it was so fucking weird. Quite strong. Eating was terrible because everything tasted so funny. My sense of touch was highlighted, a wound in my finger and my eczema were burning. Occasionally space and the way everything appeared changed radically. It was a bit difficult for me. This morning I woke up in haze. And it didn't clear out completely even when I left my home, it stayed for hours. But this has been interesting, certainly. Weed is very interesting. It affects so differently to each person. But you got to have some limits. You get much more out of it when you smoke rarely. For me it can be quite trippy. My hearing is sharper and the space gets wider when I close my eyes. Touch. Weight. Motion. Pulling. Serene. Love. There's much more in it than hanging out all day smoking, talking shit and laughing. And of course it doesn't fit to everyone. Or every time. I've had times that I have quit smoking for a while when I've felt so unreal. And it varies a lot how strong it is. At first I thought it doesn't affect me at all, cause I didn't feel any change. But then one time, I guess I smoked something stronger herb and.. well, it was beautiful. I was flying.I feel so bad for dying nature. I just learned that the world's oldest trees are dying. The ones that can be over 100 meters high. That's just unbelievable. My mission for this year is to see 50 meters high trees in Europe. I'm a huge tree lover. I'm happy to hear about you protest, I've never heard of it before. I haven't seen Scarface. I just started to download it. I will watch it and then I'll tell you what I liked about it.
It took me a long time to answer too this time. Sorry, I didn't have the energy to do anything. Last friday was the last day of school and I've been doing nothing but sleep since. Wow, all this time, I thought you were a boy. I wasn't entirely sure though, so, learning that you are a girl wasn't much of a surprise. It actually made me happy. You are only two years older than me? This is great. I thought you would be older. To me, hitchhiking is something that takes great courage. You have my respect. From what you wrote, it looks amazing. I can understand why you love it. It's not for me, though; it would be hell for me, since talking to people gives me unbearable pain. I don't want to interact with anybody. But it really looks fascinating. Alse I wish I was interested in nature as much as you are, but... Insects TERRORIZE me. So, when I'm in the nature, being aware of the existence of bugs makes me uncomfortable. I can appreciate of the beauty of a tree or a plant but at the same time I can't stop thinking that I will be murdered by a grasshopper in a second. I'm so lame. I will do that photo-blog thing... Sometime... When I gather enough pictures. She had a small amount of it and she wanted to smoke it all by herself. That's okay. What you told about that flower that you smoked was very interesting. The taste of the food, your sense of touch, the change of the way that stuff appeared to you; all these things look so fun. But, wasn't it dangerous at all? Was your mind clear? Was it safe to go out? What if you got hit by a car? I wish I could find something like that in Turkey, but here we only have bad quality weed. They say it's not even stronger than cigarettes. If I was able to find good herb I don't think I would manage to do that rarely-smoking thing. But it doesn't matter. I'm looking forward for your thoughts on Scarface. I wonder if you liked the same parts as I did.
Ayşe, I can assure you that Santeri did not write those things out of boredom. Boredom apparently played a little role in terms of the exact timing he chose for writing, but what he's saying is exactly true, some time before writing to you he was telling me how fascinated he was by you and this whole thing, and thinking about the possibility of talking to you.Suddenly, reading all the things the four of us are writing on here is making me feel really warm. It's 5 AM and I'm quietly sitting here and I feel a sort of love. (And I'm not even high on opiates. Those things make you feel a sort of love too. But maybe not like this.) But of course there's a certain sadness too, because the things discussed here are quite raw and painful, I know very well what it feels like to have no friends. For many years, I was completely friendless, and I felt like that was the worst thing a human being could possibly be, because it was so obvious to everyone around me. As a child I was pretty popular for some reason or another, but then when I was about 12 or 13 I lost my ability to talk to people. I started secondary school so shy that if anyone tried to say "hello" to me, I simply could not say a word back. So logically people stopped saying "hello" to me. I learned to talk again but my friendlessness was already such an integral part of me that it didn't even occur to me to start saying hello to anyone. I didn't have the privilige to experience popularity and social approval, so I learned to build my identity on completely different things, and that's the reason why this blog exists. And because this blog exists, I have friends again, for the first time since my childhood. I was 19 when I finally found the courage to go out and meet other humans. I think it was exactly two years ago, it was the first days of the summer of 2014.It will be interesting to see if more people join this conversation. I know that there are mysterious individuals who follow everything that happens around here.The proper response coming soon.
You lovely people! Thank you for making sure that I don't feel bad or offended, that I feel good and comfortable, thank you for being this nice to me, I really appreciate it. Even if Santeri did write those stuff out of boredom, I would be completely fine with it, and I knew he didn't. It made me happy that you felt that sort of love, Olli, I've been feeling a sort of love too, since the first time I read your blog, and that feeling is getting stronger every time somebody writes something on here. Did you stop taking those opiates? Does your leg still hurt? I hope you are okay. I feel almost no sadness about the stuff we discuss here. I'm glad I've found some people that I really love and respect, and they are interested in talking to me. I wouldn't be happier if we were discussing actual happy things. It's not completely true that I have no friends. There are actually some people that I talk to in class. And there are some people that I sometimes hang out with, and they are actually quite nice and decent human beings, we can talk about casual stuff. So, my situation is not as bad as yours was, sorry, I don't deserve your empathy. Even though I feel lonely and sad around them, I do have some people. When I started secondary school, I've gone through kind of similar stuff; suddenly every kid around me started acting like they were grown ups, I couldn't keep up. I was ugly and weird and childish and I was constantly bullied. I was such a loser, I had no self-esteem and my days were horrible. Now I'm in 11th grade and people are still managing to make me feel like a loser. (Wait, at the very moment, they are playing a song that Morrissey sings on the tv! Wow! It was the ending credits of some movie and it lasted for a couple of seconds, but I was very excited.) But still, your childhood was something a lot more different and worse than mine, I'm sorry for all those wasted years. However, I'm glad that your pain made you start writing on these blogs. I didn't know that I needed you until I found you.
"I know that there are mysterious individuals who follow everything that happens around here."A stalker here, hi. Sorry for following your conversation. You all seem cool.Please forgive me.Continue.
I wish I was able to understand the things you write on your blog. I would love to read your thoughts. Do you really think I seem cool too? Unbelieveable. Because you are cool.
Due to my sorrowful habit of corroding my brain with too much alcohol, my response is going to delay a bit. Now I think I am just going to wait for my cousin and maybe try to read poems by W.H. Auden, maybe even trying to translate one of them into Finnish. I also bought 5 cheap beers from a German grocery store, Lidl. Oh. I am a little worried about myself. I met my friend to-day. He's got problems. I don't, really. I am The Problems. There's a difference. As for me, it's good. I am restless and happy, even though I am just a little shit, and so unhappy, so sad, and so lonely. And so very messy. And young. So really, really young. I am the sun.Tiitus, I have read your blog and I feel strong sympathy toward you. There's a person I have seen a few times somewhere around Kallio. I wonder if it's you.
Corroding my brain with alcohol is exactly what I want to do with my life. But, wow, I'm worried for you now, Santeri. I think I fell in love with this paragraph. It makes me feel something that I can't explain. Santeri, please be good. Buying cheap beers from a German grocery store sounds so cool, and I wish I could live like that, but are you going to be okay? I wish I could do something about your sadness and loneliness, I feel so useless. Just remember that somewhere in the world, a teenage girl sees you like a god. I checked W. H. Auden out. I read a poem called "Lullaby". I loved it. Thanks for introducing him to me.
Kirjoittaja on poistanut tämän kommentin.
Of course you wouldn't judge a person by their age, but talking to someone who has 7 years less life experience than you can get boring. Situations like yours can happen too, but you are an extraordinary person. Even if I met somebody 7 years older than me who is as miserable as me, is interested in the same stuff and all that; I wouldn't be very comfortable talking to them in real life. I would be too overwhelmed. I looked up the Jokela shootings. I feel the same as you for the criminal now. But when I was 14, I would have thought like everybody else. I wasn't as open-minded and understanding when I was 14. But now I understand how you feel. A few months ago a 9th grader girl in our school tried to kill herself in the restroom. She cut her wrists. After that, everybody was talking about how guilty she was, they were saying that our school was going to get a bad reputation for that. They said she only did it for attention and she didn't actually mean to kill herself. I was disgusted by how they didn't understand anything about life and humans. They were saying such ignorant, idiotic and close-minded stuff; it was so clear that they had absolutely no idea about how wanting to die feels. But of course, the Jokela incident is something a lot intense and horrifying; I'm sorry you had to go through that. I was scared that question might have been a little too private. But now I'm kind of glad that I asked that. The strory is heart-warming. And inspiring. I'm a bit jealous of you now. I'm imagining all those stuff in my head and it looks like a movie. It's not like real life, really. At least it's not like my life. Maybe when Olli gets his international stardom, somebody will make a movie about him and this story will be an important scene. Hey, I really want to live in Finland. It's because we have no peace or safety in where I live and the authorities want to kill us. Almost everybody in Turkey is dreaming of running away from this place one day, and I can assure you that there are tons of us that are wanting to go to Finland. Of course you wouldn't want to live in anywhere else, you live in one of the best and most livable places in this world. I've read that people really love candy in Finland, and a candy named "salmiakki" is very popular. Is it true? Do you like salmiakki? I know it gets annoying when I talk about myself like that. I won't do it anymore. I actually discovered a band called Garbage. They're not as relatable as I hoped they would be.
I liked "Heavy Weather". I like the way that he happily sings the lyrics "death and destruction coming through". I miss stormy weather. Summer is killing me. Today, the weather was a little windy and cool and it was the only thing that made me not jump off the window. By the way, how is the weather in Helsinki? Finnish punk is amazing! I loved this song. I also loved it's topic. It's certainly unfortunate that Sörnäinen is full of fashionable hipsters now. It made me sad. But the song is getting better and better every time I listen to it. The Finnish word for hedgehog is "siili"? It's too cute. I'm in love with this language. And don't forget that I basically worship that an anxious, clumsy boy. I see you as an artist too, you have the soul of an artist. Today was terrible. After a couple of days of being extremely happy; I was so sad and miserable, I was on the verge of tears during the whole day. The human psychology is amazing! Lately I've had all these crazy dreams and lovely ideas but today I wanted to dissolve. Everything hurt, I thought there was no hope for me and that I should give up on everything. I also decided that I would stop leaving comments on this blog after Olli's response because I didn't want to embarrass myself anymore. But after writing these stuff to you, I actually feel better. I expected to be even more sad after writing these, because everything I write feels dumb. Thanks for existing, I guess I'll continue embarrassing myself for some more time. I appreciate you sharing your music with me. If you are a patsy, maybe I should be a killer. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lx4DJRTtcXE
Well........ I am a teenage girl as well; I rip and roll my hair to the extent I don't even have to use the services of any hairdresser. My life experiences have been quite self-repeating. I never had a girlfriend, I never was a part of anything, I am not that cool at all, I am nothing, but at least I regularly remember to be proud of THAT. So this is all natural. I'm afraid I'm forever so young, a daydreaming teenager, and nothing else.Today I visited my flat in Kontula, there's a pipe repair going on. (I am living at my aunt's place right now.) It was very dusty and weird-smelling there, but I sat on the floor of my room for some hour or so, reading poems, drinking cider, eating vegan wieners. It was very sad. Kontula is a suburb in Eastern Helsinki; its population comprises mainly immigrants and poor Finnish people. There's a shopping center. It is filled with bars. I feel at home in the district, but still, it was sad to visit there. Then I went downtown and drank a couple of beers with my cousin and our friend. And I felt even more sad. Then I came here, chatting with my aunt a bit, making food. My aunt says I make marvelous food. I do, I do.I like the sun. The sun is my father. I love him. I wish I could meet him everyday. Storms are sweet as well, though. They are my mother. It was very sunny today in Helsinki, though a little cold and quite windy.There's a person who broke my heart a little while ago. It was all my fault, though, but it feels very bad. (I don't know why I am telling this.)I feel shame about this stuff I am writing here. I think most of my sayings are silly and suspicious. I don't even know who I am, I am all out of that question. But I think it's liberating anyway to tell things about your life in a foreign language to a person from completely different circumstances. So let me do it. I am a harmless person, just a little weird.I DO LIKE SALMIAKKI!!!!!!!!! Foreign people usually seem to hate it, though.Siili, ye! There's a metro station in Helsinki called Siilitie, that is, Hedgehog Street.
I love salmiakki too. Too bad I don't eat candies anymore. Damn sugar.
Why do you do that to your hair? And how does ripping and rolling your hair have anything to do with being a teenage girl? Oh, Santeri, reading your words gives me pleasure, but at the same time they make me extremely sad. I read them in the morning on my way to school, then I get so melancholic and I keep telling silly stuff to people the whole day. When you talk about yourself like that, you make yourself seem very humble and sincere, like you are just a human and I can relax. But still. I am very small. And I'm filled with tension. Actually I wouldn't want anything else than being a young, daydreaming teenager forever. But you are more than that. Getting old terrifies me. I've been living for sixteen years and I have done nothing at all, I'm looking at people in my age and they are doing stuff and living life, but my life has been pretty much nothing so far. Time flies. I've already lost all my childhood, and now I'm losing my youth. So. I'm terrified. But still I'm doing nothing about it. You know, I'm a baby, but I think that you drink a lot. Kontula sounds cool. I think I can say that the whole İzmir is like Kontula, it's population mainly consists of immigrants and poor Turkish people. In a couple of years, hopefully I'll have my own flat, in which I can sit on the floor and read poems by Cemal Süreya or Nazım Hikmet and drink cider or whatever. I'm not vegan yet. But I don't eat meat anymore, which upsets my mother a lot. Maybe I visit you in Finland someday, would you cook for me then? Some people broke my heart recently, and it was my fault too. Unfortunately I am very vulnerable and I can't protect myself. But I'm angry, rather than sad. This anger is eating me up. I think if I don't get rid of it soon I'm gonna just jump on them and fight them. You told me that because nobody can resist my charm, of course. Maybe you wanted to reach some kind of relief by telling that. I'm sorry I can't relieve you. I think I understand how it feels. Someday I'll learn how to approach people and how to make them feel better. But right now, I don't. Why do you even feel shame. You are cool and everybody loves you. At least the people who follow this blog. Nobody knows who they are. They are just unaware of it. This is what I think. Please keep telling me about your life. You fucking ecstasize me. Incredibly, all of the songs you send me fit my taste of music perfectly. Alameda became my favorite now. I love Elliott Smith, but I never listened to any of his songs except Needle in the Hay before. I wish I could explain how Alameda made me feel. I kind of want to die.
They say that salmiakki is not really a candy. They say that it doesn't have any sugar in it and it's salty. Is this true?
I remember Olli mentioning Tampere in his blogs. It's a beautiful city. The Annikki Poetry Festival looks amazing, I hope you have a wonderful time there. You must be at the event at the very moment. I wonder what you are doing. All of the participant artists look like interesting people. I hope you are having fun. With your sister, and tour friend. "A great poet and a tortured soul" is exactly what I wanna be. It seems like you know a lot of amazing people. You are right. I'm actually happy to have this pain. It is true that most of the people who live their youth are boring. I don't wanna be boring. It's just that sometimes I feel like there is no hope and I'll forever stay as an average person and maintain this average life. I have no idea about what should I do. What did you do when you were sixteen? I hope your foresight comes true and I relly do have that Eternal One.I understand your habit of pulling your hair now. Too bad that it's your hair that has to be destroyed. I just can't love Morrissey's voice. Same thing about Patti Smith's music. I feel like I should love her, like he's a special person and I would love her if I got to know her. But. It's not happening.
I want everyone to know that if they have talked to me, I will talk back soon. I'm in no hurry though, because sometimes finding the energy to talk and the things to say takes time. This means that I take talking to you seriously.Writing and thinking is exhausting. I spent an entire night writing this fucking horrible chapter where John, the boy I'm writing about, sits in a bathtub and thinks about his fantasy where he's sharing a sauna with three energetic girls who are scientifically interested in people's reproductive organs, and then his fantasy is interrupted when a charming man who psychologically kidnapped him walks in. This doesn't really explain it at all.After writing that chapter I slept for about 24 hours. I woke up several times, but I always felt like going back to bed, so I did. I loved it.I've often thought that there are two kinds of people: those whose youth is the best time of their lives, and those whose youth is the worst time of their lives. Of course, the world is not even remotely this simple, but somehow I'm still pretty sure it's better to suffer quite a bit when you're young.Ayşe, what you told about the girl who tried to kill herself is horrible. What you told about the reactions of the other students made me so angry for a while that it hurt. When you say that everybody was being such a psychopathic jerk about the girl's suicide attempt, do you mean basically everybody, or just the ones that are always talking?When it comes to the Jokela shootings, I think that the general reaction in Finland was at first angry and horrified. For a few hours after the shootings, people saw Pekka-Eric Auvinen, the shooter, as a monster. But I'm kind of proud to say that the collective opinion started to change after that - I think that in the end Pekka-Eric is seen as one of the victims; he'd been bullied for so long and he'd been ignored and hurt for so long that his mind went dark. The sad truth is that good people can become monsters when you treat them wrong. Pekka-Eric was a good guy. That morning, he hugged his little brother before he left for school for the last time.Why did you watch Scarface? What did those assholes have against Scarface? I haven't seen Scarface (yet) but I have a tendency to like movies that have Al Pacino in them. Al Pacino has a great face.Oh, and now that we're discussing movies - how did you end up watching My Own Private Idaho? By the way, that tiny profile picture of yours is very cute.It's also nice to see tiitus here!tiitus and I once met on a bus. The bus goes to the Helsinki airport, but people often ride it in the nighttime just to get home. Anyway, it was very late, and I was coming home from somewhere and tiitus was coming home from somewhere. She seemed quite tired, but I psychologically kidnapped her (with a trick I learned at Hogwarts many years ago) and 30 minutes later we were sitting in an airport coffee place. I don't remember all the details; I think I drank water, possibly she drank coffee, or absolutely nothing, but I realized that I was really tired too and quite ill from too much alcohol and too little sleep. So we left the airport, having discussed people who weren't in our lives anymore. We will meet again in the future. tiitus is wonderful, I wish she wasn't so sorry for existing.I've also met samae for a few times. Those stories would be too long and too absurd to tell now. Perhaps I'll tell them later. Now I have to sleep again for about 24 hours.
Oh, I really love you. I know that writing and thinking makes you exhausted, even I have experienced that exhaustion. Sometimes I come home from school and I start writing something for you or Santeri or Samae and I keep writing for hours, then I read what I wrote and it lasts 20 seconds to read. So disappointing. It must be so hard to be an actual author. But you are very talented. You can write down any piece of thought that's wandering in your mind, and it will be good. It's good that you were able to discover what you were talented at, and now you are doing it. You don't seem to care much about a college education or whatever. I wish not going to university was possible for me, but I don't have anything else to do. That chapter saunds amazing. I just loved it. I love the way you described the girl's sex drive. I love the way you describe sexual stuff in general. Oh, I love the way you describe anything and everything. You psychologically kidnapped me too, like you did to tiitus.You should try sleeping more often. Sleeping is a magical thing. Why do you sleep so rarely? Actually it does make you seem cool. Not sleeping at all -or sleeping for a very small amount of time- for a while then sleeping for 24 hours is something that a marginalized author would do. But still. Sleep is fun. Or am I just assuming all of this, and you actually sleep regularly?For some reason I have this feeling that things will only get worse at this point. Do I really have better days ahead of me? I feel like my future will be so miserable that my youth will end up being the best time of my life.I'm sorry I caused you to be that angry, Olli. You already have a lot to think, and there are already too many things to get angry in life. And the situation wasn't that bad, really. Yeah, it was just the kids that are always talking. I should have added that. There was this boy who grumbled something about those kids' dumbness, I think I was the only one that heard him. He is a very complex person, he is not ordinary at all, so I sometimes try to talk to him. But unfortunately, I am absolutely terrible when it comes to talking to people. When I try to talk, the only thing I manage to do is to make some non-sense sounds come out of my mouth and I don't understand them and nobody understands them and it's just panic and chaos for me. I don't know what he thinks of me. It's possible that he sees me as one of those assholes. It's sad because I think I understand him and he could really use a friend. He is not completely friendless though, he has a group of friends and a girlfriend now. I have to get better at expressing myself or I'm forever going to be friendless.Finnish people are smart and open-minded. I've always admired you people. If Pekka-Eric was a Turkish person, nobody in this country would ever pity the poor guy. It's so easy to blame somebody, it makes people feel good about themselves. Empathy doesn't exist in this place. I respect the Finns. I wonder what is Pekka-Eric's little brother doing right now. The part about Pekka-Eric hugging his little brother made me so emotional. I wanted to hug my own little brother but he got angry and started crying for some reason. He is only 1 year old.
These are the last few days of school, so only a few people attend and our teachers just let us do whatever we want. So we watch movies. But nobody was going to bring a movie that day, so I and some other boy thought it would be good to watch Scarface. I still asked the class if they wanted to watch anything else but nobody said anything. So I went home and downloaded the movie. The next day we were watching it and the idiots started talking about how awful it was and how we should have watched something else. They don't have anything particularly against Scarface, they have something against good movies. They can't help it, they are just dumb and they have a bad taste. It's not their fault, people like them make me feel like I'm such a special snowflake. I feel smart around them. You might and might not like Scarface. The characters are a bit shallow. None of them are deep and lovable like Mike Waters. But it's still perfect to me. The cinematography is so incredibly brilliant. And it's such a sad story. And I love the 80's vibe of it. I don't remember how I ended up watching My Own Private Idaho. How did you? But it must have been something like this: I was obsessed with a 1994 interview of John Frusciante, and there was a part in it where he was talking about River Phoenix's death. So I thought I should check him out. Then I decided to watch 'Idaho'. It turned out to be so much better than I thought it would be. Because of that movie, I never want to watch any other movie that Keanu Reeves has a role. I feel like seeing him in another movie would ruin the magic.When you met tiitus on the bus; did you already know her from your blogs, or were you completely unaware of her existence before and it was your first time ever meeting her? If you knew her from the blogs before, how did you know that she was tiitus? Was that an arranged meeting? If it was the first time you've ever saw her, how did you decide to start a conversation? Anyway, I don't actually need the answers, that's a great story, wow. You can't just do these stuff with anybody, she does really seem wonderful. You're gonna tell me the stories about Samae, too? Wow! So exciting! I can't wait for them. Olli, thanks for sharing your life with me! By the way, what was the best book you read last summer? I somehow forgot to ask this earlier, and now I'm really curious about it.
Oh, I forgot to mention, what you wrote about my profile picture made me smile the whole day! But, Olli, you can't see anything in there, just some darkness, which is my hair. I expected the picture to look better and I was so disappointed by how bad it looked so I deleted it. You are very kind for those words. I wasn't expecting you to be this friendly really, just a couple of words would be enough for me. And Al Pacino's face. Yes. I understand that my classmates didn't like Scarface's story and the violence bothered them. But it felt strange to me that they weren't interested in just looking at Al Pacino's face and appreciating it. I could do that for hours.
oli hyvä tuntea ohuehkosti
Olen käynyt mielessäni kaikkia niitä ihmisiä, jotka olen tuntenut ohuehkosti, ja yrittänyt arvata kuka heistä olet... Voin joka tapauksessa sanoa etten kadu ainoankaan ohuehkosti tuntemani ihmisen ohuehkoa tuntemista.Vaikket haluaisi paljastaa sitä kuka olet, niin kerro kuitenkin tämä: miksi me ei enää tunneta ohuehkosti tai syvemmin?(Because of the international nature of this comment section, here's a bad translation of this:Anonyymi: it was good knowing each other somewhat superficiallyTrolli Brander: I've been going through all the people I remember having known somewhat superficially in my mind, and trying to guess who you are... For what it's worth, I can say that I don't regret having somewhat superficially known anyone that I have known somewhat superficially.Even if you don't want to reveal who you are, then at least tell me this: why don't we know each other superficially or more deeply anymore?(I've always known that I wouldn't be a very good translator. It's a good thing I don't have to become a translator.))
Kiitoksia oikein paljon for translating this for me, you did a very good job and you would be a very good translator. Everything makes perfect sense. I was going to ask what "oli hyvä tuntea ohuehkosti" meant. When you wrote the meaning, it felt like something I might say to you in the future.
Ajattelin offata itseni mutta en mä salee pysty ja kuitenkin kitkutan jotain vielä
(A sort of translation: "I thought I should off myself but I probably can't do that and will keep scraping by or something")Please don't off yourself. You are loved.
The pain in my leg is getting so mild that I don't really need the opiates anymore. So three or four days ago I decided to see what would happen if I stopped taking the drugs. (Because I have to stop taking them soon. The chemical illusion of happiness they give me is very nice, but on my deathbed I'm probably going to want to look back on a life that consisted of many powerful experiences, rather than just a flat line of endless contentment.) It's been beautifully uncomfortable (or just uncomfortable) realizing that I've already managed to become physically addicted to the opiates. Not just psychologically, but also physically. Nearly all the time I kind of feel either too hot or too cold. It's interesting, but not so interesting that I'd wish to continue feeling like this. What I'm feeling right now is probably an extremely mild version of what a heroin addict goes through during withdrawal. Luckily, it's getting milder and milder, so maybe I'll feel like my (ab)normal self tomorrow or the day after that...I'll answer your questions here, Ayşe. (By the way, when I want to write your name I always have to copy & paste the letter ş. I don't mind, it makes your name a lot of fun. Maybe I could somehow create ş with my keyboard, but doing it this way is reggae okay.)I sleep very irregularly. It's probably really, really unhealthy. There is no pattern. I know that I have to fix this soon. I'm able to write only at night - at night everything seems less embarrassing - so sooner or later I'll probably start systematically living in the nighttime and sleeping in the daytime.Now, looking at that sentence ^, it's strange how I seem to think that sleeping is not living. Of course it's living. Our dog spends most of her life sleeping. That's one of her favourite things to do. If there's nothing else to do she starts relaxing and sleeping. I'm looking at her right now. We're sharing this room, she's sleeping and clearly loving herself. When she sleeps she always looks like she absolutely loves her hairy, warm body. I don't blame her, I love her too, she's possibly my favourite person in the world.Apparently this is going to be a manically long and incoherent comment. I'll just go with the flow. It's reggae okay.A couple of days ago I fell asleep on the sofa. I had a dream where I found out that there had been a huge demonstration of 130 thousand Mormons in Helsinki. In the dream I remember feeling really surprised that there were so many Mormon people in Finland. Then somehow I found myself in a huge Mormon crowd that was singing a religious anthem - for some reason, the melody of the song was the melody of the Monty Python classic "Every Sperm is Sacred" (the melody starts at 0:55 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUspLVStPbk). So because I didn't know the lyrics to the Mormon anthem, I just sang along with the sperm lyrics: "Every sperm is sacred, every sperm is good..."Then I woke up, and after that I had a really weird feeling for the rest of the day... The kind of vulnerable, restless feeling I get when I have a crush on somebody. I felt like I had a crush on Monty Python. I don't know what that means. As far as I know, Monty Python was six people. So I don't really know exactly which of them I had a crush on. Maybe the pretty one.I'm glad that day is over. It's always exhausting to be overly tired and kind of crazy. Perhaps recovering heroin addicts experience stuff like that all the time.
So, anyway.It's obvious that there are some cultural differences between Turkey and Finland, and culture shapes humans, so it's probable that 'the average Turkish person' differs from 'the average Finnish person' to some extent. However, it's an interesting question whether they differ profoundly. I believe that in every country and in every generation, there are individuals who think more and feel more than the great majority of their peers. Those individuals tend to feel that the people around them are mostly narrow-minded, apathetic idiots. Because, well, the average person truly _is_ quite narrow-minded, apathetic and possibly idiotic compared to someone who thinks a lot and feels a lot. Everywhere there are kids being psychopathic assholes, and a kid or two looking at them and thinking that wow, I never want to be like those people.I'm going to watch Scarface in the nearish future. The reason I watched Idaho was that James Dean had played an essential role in my life for some time - so when I realized that River Phoenix could be seen as 'the vegan James Dean' I naturally had to get to know him better. (Of course, River was quite different from James Dean in many ways. It seems that his personality was good and altruistic and somewhat down-to-earth, whereas Jimmy Dean had a pretty powerful darker side and a habit of treating people in nasty ways. Nevertheless, both River and Jimmy were gloomy, individualistic rising talents who died too young.)tiitus and I had known each other as 'blog personalities' for a couple of years. We'd even met once, but hadn't really talked to each other. When I suddenly noticed her on the bus, I was almost certain that it had to be her, but I wasn't entirely sure. I was certain enough and intoxicated enough to ask her what her name was - I was releaved to find out that it really was her, and then it felt strangely natural to sit and talk, it kind of felt as if we'd sat and talked many times before.The stories about Samae, oh man... Maybe Samae can tell those, if she feels like doing that. I tried to find a simple way to express what happened, but it's difficult. All I can say is that one night it was Samae's birthday and I had decided that I was The Phantom of the Opera.The best book I read last summer was Karl Ove Knausgård's 'My Struggle', part 5. He's a Norwegian author. The whole series of his autobiographical novels had become a big phenomenon. (I don't know if anyone knows him in Turkey, but many people in many countries saw his way of writing as a kind of revolution.) I'd already read the first part just to see if it really was as good as people said it was. I thought it was good, but I didn't think it was amazing. But then, about 18 months later, I somehow picked up part 5 (and then, the whole series) and it was truly something revolutionary. I had never experienced anything quite like that before. Part 5 quickly joined the exclusive group of books that have changed something in me forever - it felt incredible that it was _possible_ to write so honestly and truthfully that reading it felt like I was constantly waking up to all kinds of things _that are always there_ but that I'd never consciously noticed before. (In part 5, Karl Ove writes about his years as a young, unstable idiot who's trying to become a real writer. This may have something to do with why it felt so true to me.)
So, anyway.What would happen if you didn't go to university, Ayşe? Do you want to go there?This is a complex topic, it's probably one of the most important questions a human being in a modern society can think about, so it should always be thought about deeply and carefully. I've known people who've gone to university simply because it has seemed like there's no option; otherwise they'd end up working in a match factory, or something like that, until sooner or later robots would replace them and they'd find themselves at the bottom of society, with very little money and no status and no profession.It makes sense to be afraid of such a scenario, but on the other hand, I always feel bad when I see how unhappy and frustrated and stressed out people are studying something that they don't really care about just because they have to "do something". So many people live their entire lives like that, spending 8 hours or more every day working on a job that feels meaningless. Time is what people have, and they give it away.What happens to a person who refuses to do that? Is it freedom to choose to live at the bottom of society? I really don't know. It depends on so many things. In some places, living in poverty is much more dangerous than in other places. More than anything, it probably depends on whether a person has some kind of community in their lives, a group of people who care about them and stand up for them.All this is something that I think about quite a lot. It truly is very, very complicated. There are no obvious answers, but it seems that I have already made my decision. If this writer thing doesn't work out... well, it has to.Jesus, I'm so fucking tired! I must stop writing this now. I should sleep. I feel physically awful. I still have some things to say; I still haven't written the "proper response" on certain things I wanted to discuss earlier. I will do that eventually. Now I'll be going to bed immediately in order to avoid dying.PS. Ayşe, naturally an essential part of your tiny profile picture's charm is the tininess and obscurity of it.
(Now that I have slept for 3 hours I have to explain that last part because I woke up thinking that it sounded wrong: I mean the always-good mystery element of the picture, I don't mean that I enjoy not seeing you. Being comprehensible is always a challenge.)
I have Dick in mouth </3 happiness not for ever
This is a good sentence. I like this sentence
Oh, Olli, I immediatelt wanted to respond when I read your messages this morning; but yesterday I was feeling really sick and that feeling continued today too, now I'm feeling well. I just want to thank you. For writing such a long, satisfying response. You really didn't have to... God. You write so good. So here's my shitty response to that. Now I feel like I should never have write anything to you in the first place... I'm wasting your time, oh God. I'm sorry. I'm happy that your leg doesn't hurt as much as it used to. It was so interesting to read your opiate experience. (Well, it's interesting to write anything you write, but...) How are you feeling right now? Did the state of feeling extremely hot or cold go away? You don't have to write my name exactly true, it can get annoying for you and it doesn't really matter, you can just write Ayse or Ayshe (the letter 'ş' makes the 'sh' sound). I actually think that sleeping is not living. (Well, you are actually alive but you don't do anything or think anything or feel anything.) But this is a good thing; living is sad and exhausting and painful, and you regularly need to take a break from it. It's healthier for the human body to sleep at night, but I understand why you have to write at night and being unhealthy is probably a part of being an artist. But you have to start regularly sleeping. Are you even able to do anything when you have such little sleep?The stuff that you wrote about your dog is so beautiful... How lovely... Dogs are amazing. And when you write about your dog like that, the thought of sharing your home with a dog feels amazing. But I can't take care of pets. What a bizarre dream. I wonder how your brain decided to create something like this for you. Incredible. The human brain is really amazing. I can imagine how you felt when you woke up. I feel that vulnerable feeling when I wake up from such a strange dream, too... And, uh, I've never watched anything about Monty Python. I wanted to watch The Holy Grail but I never did. So I didn't know anything about it. This video was a weird experience. I don't know how to feel about it. They clearly put a lot of effort and money into it and it's enjoyable, actually. But there is something that makes me uncomfortable about it. I don't know. It's just a thing I guess.
The average Turkish person is a lot dumber than the average Finnish person. Actually, the average Muslim person is a lot dumber than the average Christian person. The countries where the population consists of mostly Muslim people are the most awful, hellish places in the world I don't know why does it to be like this. I don't understand why the people in Middle East are a lot dumber than the people in Europe. How did we end up like this?James Dean was an essential part of your blog writings, but I've never seen any of his movies. Shame on me. I'm gonna watch East of Eden tomorrow. There was a blog post of yours, I can't find it right now, but in that post you quoted a letter that James Dean wrote to his girlfriend, and you put the link for the letter at the end of the post. When I opened the link and read the letter, it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever read in my life. I knew that if I got to know James Dean better, he would become an essential part of my life, too. So now I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna get to know him better......and now I'm realizing that writing (or talking) about stuff that I like makes me uncomfortable. I'm not good at expressing myself, and I don't wanna ruin the things I love by talking foolishly about them. A while ago, I read something that somebody wrote about how much she loved The Catcher in the Rye, and it was such a dumb writing. And now I realize sound exactly like her when I talk/write about stuff I like... I hope Samae tells those stories. I'm not sure if I'm ready for them though, they must be so bizarre, but I still wanna hear them.When I read what you wrote about Karl Ove Knausgård's book yesterday, I went to my local book store and ordered the first part. It arrived today, and I read a small bit of it and, uhm, it's okay. It's good-ish. There have been parts that I liked and there have been parts that I hated about it. Before I decided to go out and order it, I googled the book and my first thought about it was how hideous it cover looked. http://yazarokur.com/rsm/kitap/_ko/kavgam-cilt-1.jpg I mean, look at this. It has the author's face on it, it says "New York Times Bestseller", they put some person's comment about how incredibly amazing it is, and the book's name is the same as Hitler's autobiography (at first I thought it was the Turkish translator's fault and the book's original name was 'My Struggle', but then I searched it and it turns out that the author intentionally gived the same name to his book as Hitler's autobiography). It's unattractive. If it wasn't one of your favorite books I would never read it. In the first few pages, they put 44 comments from supposedly important people (okay, they might actually be important people, I don't wanna be disrespectful, but...), all of them say that it's the best book ever and it changed their lives forever and they didn't do anything but read this book for days and how they pray everyday for Karl Ove to write more. All these stuff are a bit unattractive. Then you read the book and it's just normal. The sad thing is, only the first two parts are translated into Turkish right now. I won't be able to read your favorite parts for a long time. I was hoping that the third and fifth parts would make me see the series the way you do. Part 5 sounds really interesting, and I'm sure that if I read them it will change my opinions. Maybe I should buy their English versions, but I'm not really sure if I can read them.
University is my only chance for freedom. If I study really hard this year, I might be able to get accepted into one of the top universities in İstanbul. So I'll move to İstanbul. Without my parents. Then I will have all the freedom in the world. İstanbul is a fantastic place, I will spend the first few months wandering around the city and getting to know every single corner of it and I will ride the subway all the time (two years ago, in my last visit to İstanbul, we were at this metro station and it was the most aesthetically pleasing place I've ever been to). But unfortunately, the city is way too crowded. It's beyond endurance. I will get so sick of it in a short time; and I will eventually start spending my days never leaving my flat or dorm room (or whatever), never attending to classes, drinking alcohol 24/7 and being sad and miserable. After four years, I will graduate and find a job and make some money and buy some stuff for my family members. Then I will kill myself before I'm 30. This is the most optimistic future that I can dream of, it actually makes me feel good. So, I must go to university. I don't want to go there, because I know that they won't teach me anything that will make me a better person, they will just force me to memorize some things, like they are doing in high school right now. And I'm pretty sure that I won't meet any interesting people. But if I didn't go to university, I would have to work in a factory like you said; because I have to earn money and move out of my parent's house. And trying to make a living by working in a factory would be a lot harder and more exhausting than getting a university education...I could refuse to spend my whole life doing a job that I don't want to do. But living in poverty would be so boring. I wouldn't be able to afford anything that I have now, and there are some stuff that I wanna do in the future, like visiting some other countries and drinking a lot of alcohol. There is actually one option that would make my life much more easier: to study English. If I decided to study English in university; it would be so much more easier for me to get accepted into a top college, and I would have to put a lot less effort into trying to graduate university. When studying, I would still have the time to do the stuff that I actually care about because the classes would be so easy. My English sucks, yes, but it's still a lot better than the big majority of people in Turkey. I could find a job as a translator or something. My job would be easy and I wouldn't live in poverty. But my father says I should aim for bigger things and he won't let me study English. Ugh, I don't think all these stuff will make any sense, I think I have to explain the education system in this trash country, but I don't think you would want to know... Oh, you shouldn't have write all of this in one sitting. It could wait. I didn't want you to feel awful in order to write me a response. You got so tired that you felt like you were going to die. I didn't want this, don't do that again. How did you woke up after sleeping for 3 hours? You were so tired. Did you go back to sleep after writing that note? The last part never sounded like you enjoyed not seeing me in the first place. Being comprehensible is the thing about you that I admire the most. You don't have to worry too much about it. I like your new profile picture. hermit.jpg. I loved the old one, but change is good. I think you are also my favorite photographer. And you changed and added a bunch of stuff in your "about me" part in your profile. It's fun to read. I'm not satisfied with this response. It won't make you feel good like how your responses make me feel good. But I don't think I can write anything better than this. I can imagine myself reading these stuff in the future, and saying "What the fuck was I thinking?!". Sorry, future self.
I got tired of answering up there (SO HARD I KNOW) so I'll leave my comments down here from now on. If it's okay.To AysheOh don't you worry. I'm quite used to that messages come slowly. I'ts fine. I was away anyways so I couldn't see your answer until yesterday. At the moment I'm alone in a house that is not mine but a Boy's parents. He left and they left. I love this kind of situation very much. All alone in a house. When they left – I don't know them that well, we've seen just couple of times but I like them – they said I'm free to eat anything in the house. That's just the best thing you can say to someone like me. I love to eat. I kinda have an eating problem. I try to cure my other problems by eating. A lot. It comforts me if I'm nervous or something. Still I'm very thin. At least I don't eat wheat or sugar (well, trying hard not to eat sugar) so it's not that unhealthy anymore. Why you're happy about it? What does it change if I'm a girl or a boy? I know it might be a difficult question so don't answer if it's too hard.No I'm not older. Just a little silly girl.I don't know about that, maybe it could work for you, too. If you'd just stay quiet and then the driver would shut up too, eventually. Or you can hitchhike with someone who's more talkative and can do all the talking and you can just be silent. If you don't personally know that kind of person, you can find that person from the Internet. For example, there's some facebook groups you could try. “Hitchhiking partners worldwide”, “Hitchhiking Europe” and so on. I almost got travel company from there once. I totally get it. I hate mosquitos, like everybody, for sure. They just ruin everything when you try to be peaceful and happy outside. But luckily they're not everywhere. It doesn't have to be spectacular you know. Don't try to hard. Ah okay then. Yeah.. I'm not so sure it was pure weed. We got it from this guy (yeah he was just like “Hey you want some weed? Be free to take some if you like) who showed up to our commune as one of our roomies boyfriend and I he's using some harder stuff with needles, so I wouldn't be surprised if there was something not-so-weed in it. I don't think it was dangerous. If I had been in some scary situation I probably would have been quite scared – I've noticed that if I have smoked pot and been scared of something, the fear grows much stronger than normally. I guess it was good idea to stay inside, the world outside might not have been that nice. Not as clear as I could be. It's not like you lose yourself and forget who you are and how the world works when you smoke but you just might be a bit foggy. And that s what I like about it. First time when I properly took acid it was so fucking CLEAR that I was annoyed. I was expecting to be somewhere else and instead I was just more aware. It's a problem if you want to lose yourself to dance. But it's perfect if you want to Think. What do you think about psychedelics? They are quite new to me, and I haven't had any world-changing wondrous experiences, yet. It's something I want to experience before I can start to consider dying if everything is still pretty meaningless after it. Other things I want to see before death, are super tall and old and magnificent trees (like sequoias, oh boy) and delphines. And well, maybe some other things, too. I thought about this very hard couple days ago when I was fucking empty and miserable.I know. It's not always that easy to pass the joint. It can be hard if your friend(s) are stoned but you're not. But I know it's better for me that way. I decided not to smoke when there's tobacco in it – which is often the case in Finland - so that makes the decision for me. “Tobacco, too? Okay, I'll pass.”
And what comes to that Olli mentioned how we met at my birthday.. well. I'm not much of story-teller, really. All I can say is that It was my big birthday of turning eighteen and Olli was my savior when nobody else was there to celebrate it with me. It was the first time we met, so far we had been only writing emails. I've seen Olli just twice, by the way. He is so difficult person to reach. Always (“)writing(“) his books, goddamned. It was his choice to meet in a bar. So we just were there and got really really drunk. I've never been so drunk and I won't be. (Nowadays I don't really drink anymore and well, I never have. I've been drunk maybe four times in my whole life. And besides that I haven't drunk much. I don't see the point in drinking if you don't get drunk. But yeah, I believe in better drugs. Alcohol is shit. It makes a bit sad that you want to waste your future for alcohol, Ayshe, but it is you're choice and I shut up now) So drunk that I lost my memory at some point. I don't remember what we talked about, except that he spoke about Buster Keaton and said that Keaton is great and he has seen all of his films. (A lie?) Couple months later I watched his films and fell in love. Have you seen them, Ayshe? Best thing about mute films is that you can choose your own music. And when we left the bar we just laid at the streets amids some leaves. The leaves got stuck at my tights. At some point I started to cry for my dead friend. Some passer-by started to talk to us and kissed me without me wanting. We took a bus to wrong direction. And got off and took a taxi instead - which was stupid because it was so expensive. But it just happened to drive by and we didn't think much. Olli was quite careless about his money anyways, he paid everything except my first drink or something.All in all, it was one of an experience and I couldn't possibly write it down properly.
Speaking of delics, I ate some mushrooms today. Because I woke up and Woke up, it was like I had been in a dream for months, been just so gray and meaningless and then suddenly I remembered how beautiful world can be, how beautiful I can be. So, I was feeling amazing and I happened to have some mushrooms – not much, but some, and I just thought that it would be perfect setting for a trip. Also, it rained in the morning so world was pure and fresh after it. And I liked the idea, eating them so spontaniosly. Usually tripping is so planned thing. I ate them and went outside bicycling. I went to the shore in a beautiful place. When I started to feel it coming up I felt like laying down so I did so, under a lovely spruce. I love spruces very much. Then I just watched and thought. Clouds were magnificent. I didn't feel that great anymore, I had lost the feeling of being So Awake. But then I started to write to the Boy and found it again. Concentrating to something does it. Drawing is quite interesting on delics. And painting! Time passed VEry quickly. Mushrooms are so quick. And then I went to ride a bike a bit more, there was some lovely roads with beautiful trees.. and I went to swim. It was amazing. I love to keep my breath and stay underwater as long as I can, just floating and letting the water carry me. It was quite interesting to watch how sand run through my fingers. The sunrise was miraculously golden.Now I'm back here. I feel good. It wasn't strong trip and it didn't take me away, I didn't see much visions, my vision was sharper and psychedelic but not very dramaticly. it was nice and I wrote and drew good stuff and felt good and trees were beautiful and world was beautiful and world is beautiful beautiful beautiful
I watched Scarface. It was good. But I hated it. Couple years back I would've loved it, I was quite violent then, but nowadays I'm more of a pasifist than fascinated by violence. The problem was the money and the greediness and drugs and guns and violence and how women were portraited and power and lust and attitude, the whole world of it. It's just seemed so stupid and sad and wrong to me that I couldn't enjoy it. But I watched it, the whole 2 hours and 44 minutes of it. That was a long one. But I can tell it was good because it didn't feel long. All though I felt like I wasted my time watching it but I felt that I had to. And I don't like to break a film in the middle of it.My favorite scene was at the end when Tony had that pile of cocaine on his table and he snorted it straight from it, without bothering to make a clean line. And then the white powder got stuck on his nose. It looked funny.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJUt_x0gwugDoesn't the violence in it bother you, Ayshe?
I am sorry everybody, I'm in İstanbul now, we came here a few days ago and I forgot to bring my laptop! And my phone doesn't let me write long, proper responses. And I won't go back home for a couple of days more... I wanted to let you know. I read your messages and I have lots of thoughts about them and I can't wait to respondAnd Olli, I also couldn't respond to you in that older post... But I want to say that I watched East of Eden and the Knausgaard book became better and more interesting now. I couldn't finish it yet, I'm actually reading very slowly because we are always wandering in the streets of İstanbul in the daytime
Hello cute humans, I'll write things to you all soon.Thank you to unknown poet for his always wise words.By the way, it was a smart move, Samae, to come down from those heights. It was somehow frustrating that you guys had your own conversation up there. Naturally, the frustration was extremely mild... to the point of being pretty much nonexistent. Anyway, this will make it easier for future historians to read this historically significant chain of comments.Ayşe... You were in Istanbul during the terrorist attacks?
There's a horror picture show playing in my head where Ayşe's parents have found out that she's talking to a bunch of Finnish hippies and alcoholics on the Internet, and therefore sent her to a monastery to regret these sins. There is a giant nun placing her hand on Ayşe's shoulder: "The most important thing is to remember to never do it again. And now... let us pray..."Sorry, Ayşe, I'm sure your parents are wonderful people. But it's just healthy to watch a mental horror picture show every once in a while. I really, truly hope that you're okay. If I remember correctly, the terrorist attack took place the day _before_ your latest comment, so you probably didn't die in it - and that would have been mathematically unlikely anyway - but for some reason I'm slightly worried. In the real world, do your parents know about your friends in Finland?It’s true that people who are lucky enough to actually grow and wisen as human beings tend to feel shocked when they look at the things they said and did in the past. 5 years from now, a lot of the things we write today will make us think that we used to be crazy, idiotic children. This is inevitable, but what should we do about it? Should we just stop living and talking? We must keep living and talking and being as crazy and idiotic as we happen to be. It’s the only way to wisen up in the first place.I guess this is going to be the “proper response” I promised to write. I feel like writing this now. This is going to be about everything in the world. Everybody can do as they please with this response, but I’m going to write this now.I’ll start like this:I take an opiate every three days or so. It is hard. I found a magic pill that made existence easy and pleasant, and now I'm supposed to walk away (limp away) from that easiness. Back into this existence where everything is so fucking difficult and complicated. Oh well, I guess that’s the way life's supposed to be. Difficult and complicated.Taking-opiates or not-taking-opiates is not really the only thing happening in my life, even though it seems to be pretty much the only side of my life I've been talking about here.How odd. Well, most of the things happening haven't been very concrete lately. So much happens all the time, and most of it happens in my mind. In fact, there are so many thoughts happening that I'd like to move some of them from my head to somebody else's head. Maybe I’ll get a team of robots (here we go, I’m talking about robots again) or a team of monkeys to deal with my thoughts when I feel like I’m drowning in them.
Today, after writing this, I’m going to get in my father’s car and let him drive me to the countryside… I haven’t been able to go there in months. It’s one of my favourite places in the world, I like to go there and not talk to anybody for seven days. It’s a good place for writing. And for eating, and drinking, and reading books, and watching movies, and sitting in the sauna at 4 AM. I love being alone like that. I never meet anybody out there.Once there was a strange incident, though, when I was warming up the sauna in the small hours. (I’ve never really been a part of the Finnish sauna culture, but alone in the countryside at 4 AM, the idea becomes appealing.) I was walking through the yard in order to carry some stuff to the little sauna building, when I realized that there was somebody on the other side of the bushes that surround the yard. I stopped and listened. I knew I’d heard two feet taking steps and stopping in the darkness. That was really strange, because there are zero reasons why anybody would spend any time on that quiet dirt road in the middle of the night. The yard was illuminated, but everywhere around was just darkness, so I felt like I was standing in the spotlight. I turned and went back inside and got all the things I needed, and then I rushed to the sauna building. Before I locked the door, I stopped for a moment and stood on the tiny porch of the sauna. I knew that I was invisible in the total darkness. It was quiet for a few seconds, but then I heard somebody walk by me, on the dark road, less than two meters from me. I even felt a cold breeze on my face as they walked. After that, I stepped into the sauna building and locked the door and waited. A couple of minutes later I heard a car drive off.I’ll never know what that was about. But I felt truly alive that night.Anyway.Ayşe, I understand your situation better now that you wrote about it. Studying English sounds like a good idea. I hope that your father lets you do that. In the end, it should be your choice, and it _is_ your choice. But however things work out, promise yourself that your life will have adventure in it. When I talk about adventure, I don’t mean any exact thing; it can mean taking a walk in the rain, or lying on the sofa eyes closed, or sitting and talking with someone that you like or hate, it can mean anything, as long as while you’re doing it, you feel in your heart that life is an adventure. Life is an adventure. It is.Nearly every day of my life nowadays, I sort of feel the presence of the person I’m going to be in the last hours of my life. I try to look at everything through those eyes.What I see is that _almost nothing_ is very serious or very important. But some things are, and those things should not be ignored. Most people live their lives taking all kinds of silly things way too seriously, but never taking their chance to live and exist seriously.Anyway…I haven’t watched Scarface yet. I’m going to, soon. What Samae said makes me want to watch it soon: “I watched Scarface. It was good. But I hated it.” Ahaha. Brilliant. And of course, Al Pacino’s face.Did you like East of Eden, Ayşe?
My opinion is that the ‘My Struggle’ series gets truly amazing in the third book. Then it stays consistently amazing in the next two books, too.I think that Karl Ove Knausgård’s powers start showing when he just writes about life. When he just writes about what it’s like to feel and think and walk and drink and eat and talk and cry and masturbate and fall in love and laugh and shit and worry as a human being. He can write five pages about, I don’t know, sitting on the toilet and it’s _exciting_ because he captures something that isn’t usually captured. Something that’s always there to look at, but never really seen. That’s what he’s really good at. His best books feel like he just sat down and wrote in a flow state for hours and hours. He seems deeply intelligent when he’s not trying to seem intelligent. Unfortunately, when he starts _trying_ to seem intelligent, he stops seeming intelligent. For example, I don’t think that books 1 and 2 are quite as good as the books that followed because there are parts in them where he’s somehow trying too hard.Aannyywwaayy.The whole alcohol question is quite complex.Because of my leg, the last time I got drunk was months ago. (By the way, the first time I got really drunk was with my sister when I was a lonely 18-year-old.) At the moment I don’t really miss alcohol at all. The good side of alcohol is that sometimes it makes you capable of joining cool moments that you’d otherwise be too shy and smart to join; you experience things your sober self wouldn’t.And then there are bad sides.Santeri wrote this about alcohol: “It is shit oh yes, but it works in numbing the pain, and there is pain, a lot.” To some extent this is very true. Alcohol really numbs the pain. But only for a moment, only for as long as you stay drunk. As they say, drowning problems in alcohol is impossible, because when you try to do that, the problems learn to swim. The only way to make pain go away is not to numb it, but to face it. Face the pain. Look it in the eyes for long enough. Sit down with your demons and drink tea with them and eventually, you’ll notice that you’re breathing again.The night of Samae’s birthday is an example of the good things alcohol can sometimes give you. I mean, it was horrible, it was absurd, it was ridiculous, it was almost sickening, but I’m glad it happened. I think that it was nightmarish in a way that is very amusing. I don’t even mind that I don’t remember parts of it, for some reason or another that’s just delightful. For example, that fucking bus we took to nowhere… What did we think we were doing? Did we think we were going somewhere?Of course, a truly free spirit wouldn’t need alcohol to behave like a total fool. Somebody who understands that they and everybody around them live only for a moment wouldn’t need alcohol to behave like a total fool. I want to become freer. Free’er. More free. Whatever. It takes a fool to remain sane.By the way, as far as I know, it wasn’t the first time we met, Samae. Hadn’t we met twice before? I think I’d even said “hi” to you once, and you’d said “hi” to me once.All in all, my behaviour is often really idiotic and not always in a good way. As Morrissey once said, “I avoid people who I actually like. I suppose that’s a phobia but also a habit.” Etc...Oh, and the subject of Morrissey. It’s very okay not to like Morrissey’s voice. For some reason I love Morrissey’s voice, but I can’t get into Patti Smith’s voice, or Robert Smith’s voice, or… Hey, the Smiths! Patti Smith + Robert Smith = The Smiths! This is so crazy. I am too tired. So much fun. I am a robot. But yes, liking or not liking Morrissey’s voice is not a matter of maturity; in fact, Morrissey is kind of considered the patron saint of disturbingly bookish, disturbingly emotional teenagers who plan revolutions in their bedrooms.Have you heard many Morrissey/Smiths songs so far, Ayşe? Have you liked any of them particularly?
Oh yeah, and Buster Keaton…Buster Keaton was a silent movie actor/director/thing whose face was very attractive because it never smiled. Of course, Buster was more than the way he looked, but the way he looked was and is very important. Not everybody would call Buster ‘handsome’, I guess, but who cares, he’s fucking beautiful. He looks like a ghost. I wish I had Buster Keaton’s face; I don’t know what I would do with it, but I would definitely take it out and party with it, man. Buster Keaton, Buster Keaton, Buster Keaton, what a name. Buster is so cute and tiny and odd-looking, and all of this makes him even more cool. Buster was a real badass and somehow deeply masculine, in a way that is completely real and unpretentious and unstupid. If this sounds like I have a crush on Buster Keaton, it is because I have a crush on Buster Keaton.Is there anything in the universe that I haven’t already written about in this comment?Oh yeah, veganism.When I found out what happens to animals in the meat/dairy/fishing/etc. industries, I stopped eating animals, and this happened many colourful years ago, so I could say a lot about this (and will say a lot about this in the years to come)… But now I’ll just say this:It can be a painful experience knowing what’s going on in the animal industries, and at the same time, seeing how aggressively people around you ignore what’s happening. It really has an impact on how you see the whole human species. The only way to save yourself from some sort of frustrated breakdown is to become patient. Truly patient. I forgive people every day; just like me, other people are deeply imperfect and irrational animals and there’s not much that we can do about that at this point. The world will change, the idea of animal rights will come to people, just like the idea of human rights came to people. Let’s work hard and be kind and patient. The people around us are certainly not our enemies. I would never hate, and never want to start hating, somebody for eating animals.One more thing…Cultures and languages.As much culture does shape people, I must say that during this chaotic discussion, Ayşe, I haven’t felt any particular cultural wall between us. Your soul feels pretty close to mine. But I wouldn’t mind some sort of cultural wall, it might be interesting, let’s see if such a thing arises later.And when it comes to the Finnish language, well, I’ve always thought that learning Finnish must be really challenging. For example:She’s a woman. – Hän on _nainen_.That woman’s head is so huge and beautiful. – Tuon _naisen_ pää on niin valtava ja kaunis.She turned into a woman. – Hän muuttui _naiseksi_.I’m looking at a woman. – Katson _naista_.And so on. Why do things have to be so complicated in this fucking language? In English, it’s just woman woman woman and the greatest challenge is simply changing the ‘a’ into an ‘e’ when you feel like talking about several ‘woman’s.But I have the impression that Turkish is annoying like this, too…?By the way, there’s a song by The Sundays named ‘Turkish’. It’s an odd, eerie song, never really released. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Q2dc-wIyyI I love it… I think the point of the song is that Harriet Wheeler, the singer, sings words that are mostly nonsense but somehow sounded like Turkish to her, for some reason, or something. I don’t know. I love it.
So, here you have it, you bastards! I have said everything, so now I’ll get the hell out of here and go and sleep in the countryside. Someday in the future I’ll come back, but that won’t necessarily be soon since even reading what I wrote here will take you eight weeks.I asked all kinds of questions in this funny writing, but seriously, I don't mind if you don't answer them. I really don't mind. Talk about what you feel like talking about, freely, no pressure whatsoever.
The Finnish word for Turkey is Turkki, and it means fur.Turkey is in this picture:https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQ9X5coj8wdEvQPOF4uoHAG7wcnhSXLKBhanB7aio1Sv3qc2KytfAAnd the capital of Turkey, Ankara, is also Finnish and it means hard/severe/relentless or something like that.And Olli, noun cases (nainen, naisen, naisesta, naiselle &c.) and different inflections of words are a part of the beautifulness and wonderfulness of Finnish language, nothing hateful IMO.
What the hell is happening in Turkey? What the hell is happening in the world?People don't think, people don't think, people don't think. Before I die, I want to see a world where people start learning to think. I'll do everything I can to make that happen.Is everything okay, Ayşe?
Nice to see you here, Mysterious individual. Would you like to tell us something about yourself? It might be nice, but obviously, you don't have to.What you said about Finnish is true, the complexity of it can be seen as beautifulness and not just a pain in the ass. The fact is that I don't truly _see_ Finnish, as it's difficult to truly see anything that surrounds you. The biggest, most relevant, most obvious things are invisible to people, and it's hard work to start seeing for the first time. But we must work hard, otherwise we'll throw our lives away.Almost everybody more or less throws their lives away. Before I die, I want to see a world where people have the opportunity to think twice - or a thousand times - before they do that....I watched Scarface. I thought that it was very realistic. There really are so many people like that in the world. It is strange. Why, WHY do they want to become rich and powerful when it's clearly making their lives empty and unhappy? Humans are frustrating animals.I liked the ending. It was kind of amusing. "You fucking with the best! You wanna fuck with me? Okay. Say hello to my little friend!" "Go ahead! I take your fucking bullets! You think you kill me with bullets? I take your fucking bullets!"Ahhahhaa. So stupid. But real. I like Al Pacino, he's so passionate and excited, almost like a child. He's into Shakespeare and Oscar Wilde. I know this because I know it.Oh, it feels good, to say that you like someone. Never waste an opportunity to like a fellow human being.Hate and fear are always easier, so we must work hard.
I had to ask one of my friends (though she doesn't know me very well) if there's something to tell about me. And she told:– Sometimes I'm hanging aroung with dead gulls, because I'm exceedingly bored.– No matter how hard she told me (and I told myself) not to hang out with a potentially dangerous drug guy, I'm still doing that sometimes.– An unknown little person called me in the middle of the night and sounded very weird.– Someone could make a meme about me, because I have a very recognizable attitude: "What doesn't kill you, hurts you".– She thinks it's a little bit amusing that I wander at nights doing some maybe innocent shady things.– I'm living with spiders.– She thinks that I'm interested in real yobbos or rapscallions or whatever.– I'll became bio-waste if I start to be dustman. (I think I said that I'll throw myself to a garbage container, if I turn dustman.)Anyway, I'm throwing my life away because I just don't know where else I can throw it. I must start knowing.
Hey how wonderful to have you here, mysterious individual. you seem like a person that I'd smile to. yes it's important that you start knowing. waste is so sad.--------------------------------------------------------Oh you're right, Olli, sorry! I don't know how I forgot that we met before my birthday. That one time you were on a bar with Stalin and Lenin - or that's what you told to our mutual lovely friend - and paid a visit to us when we were hanging around outside. And that friend mentioned your blog, saying you were the one who made her vegan and everything with your brilliant writings. That's when I got interested in you.I also want to say something about alcohol. I drank some alcohol recently. Immediately after the idea of drinking and the first sip, I started to adore alcohol again. As I did before, when I had some lovely experiences of drunkenness. That lovely state when you're all mixed up and the life is more fun for a blink. This time I also smoke lots of weed and I drank very slowly because I didn't want to be too drunk - I was in a forest party and I wanted to dance a lot, so too much alcohol would have been bad - so I didn't really notice I'd taken alcohol. Probably it would've been just fine if I had just smoked, it gave me enough difference to have a lovely time there. Not that it wouldn't be fun if you're sober – it just requires certain attitute and state of mind. I hate that alcohol is legal where substances that can actually do good to you, are not. I hate that it has a reputation of an some kinda relief. One of my roomies recently stopped eating because he wanted to die. Others called him an ambulance and he went to hospital. Last time I saw him, he was Drinking Alcohol with his brother (they rarely meet, the brother isn't very pleasant person) because he had Had So Hard Week and he Wanted To Forget. That's terrible. And too ordinary.Oh what a beautiful song, Olli, thanks for sharing it.
Wouldn’t it be hilarious if every comment in this thread was secretly written by the same person? Me, for example. Just to entertain myself, I would have created this cast of characters, “Ayşe”, “Samae”, “reuho”, “Mysterious Individual”, and so on, and then I was just pretending that this was a conversation, when in fact it was just me talking to myself.Ha… ha… ha. What a disturbing scenario. Luckily, as far as I know, it’s not true.………………..Ayşe, it seems that there’s some deeply fucked up shit happening in Turkey. Flushing democracy down the toilet seems to be easier than I thought. I hope that you are okay and that the people around you are okay. If/when you return to this conversation, tomorrow or five years from now, then please forget whatever I or anyone else may have asked you earlier, please don’t worry about any of that, it’s not important, just tell us how you’re doing! I’ll be here, and I’ll be on your side.………………..Dear M.I., I had to google to find out what the hell ‘yobbos’ and ‘rapscallions’ are. Now I see. A yob(bo) is “a loutish, uncultured person”, and rapscallion is “a disreputable person; a rascal”. Anyway, who was that unknown little person who called you in the middle of the night, and what did they have to say to you?”What doesn't kill you, hurts you” is damn true. Quite often.Yes, Samae. Did I really say that I’d been out with Stalin and Lenin? Oh yeah. I must have been drunk. I remember how it seemed like people were glowing in the dark. I recognized you because we’d been in the same place at the same time once (that poetry thing in Café Mascot.) “We’ve met before”, I said, “Yes”, you said, and then not a long time after that you sent me an email and somehow I realized that it was you. I remember how you, I, our mutual friend, and that group of lovely people that I did not know and still don’t know, sat on the edge of that sidewalk, and the lovely people were talking about some horror movie, I think it was The Shining. The lovely people had some exciting plans for the night, somebody asked me what my plans were, I remember telling them that I was going home to kill myself. I was going through my “edgy” phase.
Yesterday I got properly (yet only moderately) drunk for the first time in months. One doesn’t need legs to get drunk.It was okay, it was fun, but it made me remember all kinds of problematic things that haven’t been relevant to me lately because I haven't gone out.For example, that feeling that when you (’you’ meaning I) talk with people, you’re (I’m) often turning something complicated and difficult into something more simple and entertaining. Too many things that are true but never said, too many things that are not exactly true but you say them anyway.And then there’s that slight, nagging feeling of losing something in yourself. Highlighting some side of yourself for each person, downplaying others, just to make the communication happen more easily. Who you are to one person is something slightly different from who you are to somebody else. All of these ideas of Who You Are are like balls in the air, and you are the juggler. A fucking juggler. And this is not something that is necessarily even visible to other people, the difference between the different yous is still quite small and insignificant. But inside yourself, you feel it, and somehow you feel bad about it.I remember all this stuff now, this is the kind of stuff that I struggled with during my antisocial phantom-of-the-opera months last year. I didn’t feel like going out, I kept thinking about all the things that had happened during my ’social’ months, and now I was constantly stopping whatever it was that I was doing just to mumble “You fucking liar! Suck my dick, you shitty fucking idiot!!” etc. to myself.Thank God, I don’t talk that way to myself anymore. I did it then because I was depressed. Irrational, excessive, never-ending self-criticism is typical for people with depression, you know. Even then I knew that I was being way too angry at myself – the truth is that a person who always remains exactly the same in every situation is a person who makes other people uncomfortable. We need people like that, sometimes it’s important to make people feel uncomfortable. But generally it’s okay to adapt a little bit, to show different sides of yourself in different situations in your life… I think… Oh Jesus, this stuff is so complicated…All I know is that I’d like to feel honest and true, and it is usually not easy. It’s not easy when you’re drunk, and it’s not easy when you’re sober. It’s so much easier to just be alone. When you’re alone, you have freedom that you don’t have when you’re with other people… But trying to make that freedom a part of who you are, wherever you are, becoming strong enough inside to feel honest and true in all situations, is probably one of the most valuable tasks a human being can undertake. A human being with that kind of inner strength can stand up for good things even when everybody else falls in love with Hitler. Sometimes it’s a crime against everything good and right to just smile and nod and pretend to agree.Of course, finding that kind of strength is a slow process… If it happens, it happens gradually, over time.
I’ve been thinking about what it means to _not_ throw one’s life away. Well. I must admit that I don’t know. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sDbHwz6JGzo)Hehehe. I do have a vague idea, though…I think that it may have something to do with what I wrote about earlier. That feeling that life is an adventure. Maybe this is something that you just know somewhere in your head and/or heart and/or stomach. You have a feeling of being alive, instead of simply existing. A feeling of living in a way that would make sense to the person that you’re going to be on your deathbed. Something like that.What should you do if you feel like you’re throwing your life away?It’s pretty outrageous that I’m even attempting to answer a question like that, but I’m going to try anyway…It’s probably a good idea to ask yourself what truly, deeply matters to you. What truly matters. To you. As a human being. In a human being. And then let the answers come, as quickly or slowly as they feel like coming.It should never be too late to ask yourself this... I can imagine that for someone who feels like they’ve been lost for a long time, answering this is a real challenge. In that case, it could be helpful to ask yourself what adventure means to you, in the most positive sense of the word.And then head there.Yes. Really. Breathe new life in. Take your time. It may hurt, but without pain it’s hard to get to know what things are about. Freedom is painful, responsibility is painful, caring is painful, empathy is painful, seeing things is painful, happiness is painful, love is painful, choosing these is painful. You can learn to appreciate the pain, even the pain.Sweet baby Jesus, where is this tone coming from? I am _trying_ to understand things. And yet I’m talking like I already _understand_ them. It’s a bit annoying, I know. I’m sorry, Marge.
At this point, I have to mention the opiates.I’m no longer taking them. I think it was 2 or 3 weeks ago when I stopped.This is worth telling because after that, life has been… How to explain this briefly?It feels like I took a break from being me. The drugs gave me a break from being me. And now I’ve come back to being me, and for the first time, I see the power in that.How to explain this briefly?I feel thankful, every day, in a way that feels new to me. It just feels like it’s a huge thing to exist. To feel this joy. To feel this pain. I still find many things in humans and the world depressing and frustrating, but I feel like I’m waking up to how exciting it is to live in this world, even in a world this depressing and frustrating. I love being me, I love the summer, I love the oncoming fall… I love falling. I love laughing. I love crying. I don’t want to look like anybody else, it just feels exciting to look like something. I don’t want to be happier, it feels alright to be unhappy, it’s part of the ride.It’s only been a couple of weeks, so it’s way too early to say whether this will last. But this does feel like I’ve been given a new pair of eyes. Maybe only for a moment, but still.When I listed my favourite movies, I mentioned The Thin Red Line by Terrence Malick. I think it really has to be one of my favourite movies, I’ve seen it three or four times. It’s a really weird war film. I’ve kept rewatching it, because even though it does speak to me on some profound level, _I just don’t fucking get it_.A voice in the movie says this:“One man looks at a dying bird and thinks there's nothing but unanswered pain. That death's got the final word, it's laughing at him. Another man sees that same bird, feels the glory, feels something smiling through it.”What? Every time I’ve heard those words, I’ve simply thought that wow, okay, it’s probably possible to feel that way about life _IN THEORY_. Or it’s possible to THINK that way, but it’s not possible to FEEL that way.The same thing happened when I opened a famous poetry collection named Leaves of Grass. A strange man named Walt Whitman wrote it in the 19th century. I started reading, and I cried, literally cried. Somebody actually felt this way about life. It was overwhelming, to know that it was possible, in theory, to look at everything, even darkness and ignorance and pain, and feel the fucking glory.Well, well, well… That is exactly what’s happening now. I’m not saying that this is a religious feeling. It’s just this sense of adventure and gratitude. It feels like I just had to take my time to THINK about this, and then, slowly, the hard work of thinking started changing something in my brain. It’s confusing, but here’s what I think about it…The objective truth about the world is that nothing is “beautiful” in itself, and nothing is “horrible” in itself. It’s us with the ability to choose. We can choose to see the beauty, even among all the horribleness. Because why not?
I really didn’t know that I was going to write this much. It just kept on coming, a bit like diarrhoea. What a weird way to write a word: diarrhoea.Well. Now this is here if somebody someday wants to read it for some reason.Listen friends, I’m going to have to go away for some time. A longish time, possibly.You see, I realized that writing the book I’m writing is going to take a lot more energy than I thought.It can no longer be just one of the things that I do. From now on it has to become the main thing that I do. I mean that I have to start working on it every day. So far I’ve been writing it only when writing it has felt relatively easy, but I can’t do it like that anymore, if I keep waiting for things to feel “easy” then writing this book is going to take me 10 years. I don’t want it to take me 10 years, this is not a story that should be written so slowly.Turns out that writing fiction is really hard, ladies and gentlemen and others. When it’s going well, you feel like you’re flying… but even then you’re making every muscle in your wings work hard, if ya know what I mean.A fiction writer has to come up with a bunch of people and turn them real. That’s hard work, just like it’s hard work to even be a real person.I have to start giving this thing as much energy as it requires. I have to find a flow and not break it.I’ve been writing and receiving emails with wonderful people sometimes. I have to take a break from that.This may sound odd, but if I write one long heartfelt email, then that’s pretty much all I’m capable of doing that day. This is the truth. I love these conversations with people, but they kind of make me feel like I’ve vomited my heart and lungs out. I don’t know why that is.Maybe it’s because of my ‘depressive’ personality. Maybe it’s because I sleep too rarely. Maybe it’s because I take the conversations too seriously. Maybe it’s because of all of this. But this is the truth. I love you but I have to take a break from you.So, bye bye, friends, for some time. I have to write A Gospel According to John.
I just had to write something. I think I have kept checking this post since June and read almost every comment here. I don't even know why. Maybe my interest in Olli, which started in 2013, I think, have lasted this long.I'm tiitus by the way. Very often I'm too tired to sign in. reuho asked me something about two months ago: "There's a person I have seen a few times somewhere around Kallio. I wonder if it's you."I don't really think I've been that often to Kallio so it feels very weird if you've seen me there. I mean, yes, I HAVE been there, but not often enough that I would for example now any good bars (äh siis tuntuu et jos tuntee kallion nii pitäis tietää myös hyvii paikkoi MUT EN TIEDÄ MITÄÄN. mitä muuta kalliossa on? liian monta känniä). Mascot is quite nice, in my opinion, but I feel like someone would know better bars. Also once I went to Kallio's Church and looked around for a few seconds and it seemed alright."tiitus and I once met on a bus. The bus goes to the Helsinki airport, but people often ride it in the nighttime just to get home. Anyway, it was very late, and I was coming home from somewhere and tiitus was coming home from somewhere. She seemed quite tired, but I psychologically kidnapped her (with a trick I learned at Hogwarts many years ago) and 30 minutes later we were sitting in an airport coffee place. I don't remember all the details; I think I drank water, possibly she drank coffee, or absolutely nothing, but I realized that I was really tired too and quite ill from too much alcohol and too little sleep. So we left the airport, having discussed people who weren't in our lives anymore. We will meet again in the future. tiitus is wonderful, I wish she wasn't so sorry for existing."I didn't know you learned that trick from Hogwarts. I wish I knew all the tricks from Hogwarts. I was quite drunk at the time. I was trying to meet people since I started to study in a new place and turns out that still, a year after that, I can't get to know other people with out alcohol. It sucks. But yeah, I saw that Olli sat in front of me and I thought to myself "is that Olli??" and then he turned to me and I was tired but since I have had a weird obsession on Olli I went to the airport with him (I didn't have a ticket and I usually never travel without ticket (en tiedä miten pummiminen käännetään kivasti englanniksi)). But yeah. I met Olli. I'm still planning to go to have a beer with him be but since I'm such a coward we still have never done that.I don't think I have anything to add to the conversation, really. I just have been stalking here for some time, as I told. It was just rather absurd to see that when I just dropped a stupid comment that you guys would actually talk about me. I'm usually not able to even update my blog anymore.But yeah. The thing is that I've followed this post since June and I'm actually worried about Ayşe and I know what's happening in Turkey and I just wish she would give us something. Like, there seems to be at least me and apparently lots of other people who would like to know that you're okay.All the best to Ayşe (and Olli and Samae and mysterious invidual and reuho and anyone who might be reading this).(and, like, sorry about me)((it feels weird to write with capital letters))
oh I'm happy you wroteI must say I cannot either participate this conversation much in the future since I'm gonna leave Finland next week and hopefully I do not face much computer screens then
Spot the reference to the past. I was told to write in this thread. I’ve had surprisingly hard time trying to.Do I have anything actually meaningful to say that can be said. For a long time, I've felt quite alienated by people. I don't like the scripts I act by in autopilot during social situations. It's hard to come across interesting people, find them likable, for them to find me interesting and to be able to connect. Each of those is quite rare for me. I've been trying to put work into making myself more interesting and being able to communicate that back and forth. It makes the whole thing feel forced, but seems to improve things, albeit really fucking slowly. Perhaps some day my presence will project the kind of things I actually am. Guess I'll just have to try out things and fuck up many enough times.That’s what I appreciate the most about this blog, managing to touch and connect with different kinds of intelligent and deep people from all around so deeply. Someone from Turkey casually chiming in is really fucking cool. I thought the same as others when reading the news about Turkey. I hope Ayshe is alright. Tell us what's going on, when you can. Tiitus, your perceptions of yourself don't seem to be correct in any way. When we've met I haven't recognized in any meaningful or significant way any of the things you like to bash yourself with, with the exception of shyness (I've wanted to bang my own head through some tables after resorting to some idiotic small talk babble when tiredness/whatever prevents me from thinking). You should bear (this is a legendary, ever-fun joke from two summers ago, when me and O hanged out intensely) with Olli. Beer with me, I had to. But really. You should drink beer with things you're fascinated by. The thing thinks you're cool. Don't worry.Samae, I've only met you a couple of times and we haven't talked much. We probably have very little in common and you'd find me weird and annoying, but based on what I've seen and heard from people, you seem to be a beautiful, deep and fascinating person. Have fun, wherever you're going.There you go. How are you guys doing?
clarification: the part about banging my head through tables refers to the times I've met tiitus and been awkward, not to her resorting to any idiotic babble.Right. I'm gonna drag my ass to Flow and see if M83 is any good live, provided I don't start puking all around before that. Not feeling very good physically, once again.
I wonder who you are if we have met couple of times. Only one I can think of is name starting with A and ending to i. Is that right? The things I've heard about that person have made me think I'd love to get to know that person.I wouldn't say I'd found you weird and annoying, judging by the words you wrote here. Or maybe weird but that's really not a bad thing. You said many very true things that I can totally agree with. I wish those connections to all of us.I'm in Croatia. Went to a hippie gathering in Italian-Slovenian border (at first we had a hammock in Slovenia and then we moved to Italy. And it was illegal to swim naked in the waterfall in Slovenia but in the river about 1km to west to Italy it was okay.) and got a ride from a couple to Croatia. Their van is grazy and broken all the time. Now they rented a house from the coast. I feel a bit like a parasite. But they're very sweet.I feel like I don't even care about travelling (specially not alone) at the moment. I just want a home. But where the fuck I will find that? I mean like home with fruit garden. I'm almost 19, usually people start buying houses with garden when they're at least over 25. Well, right. Maybe I should first actually try sailing to see what it's like before I start thinking about buying a boat. Which is not gonna happen in next ten years anyways. I have like 50 euros or less. I'm so realistic. Well, I have had trouble with understanding reality for some time. That's what happens when you live alone in your head, hiding from people and the real world for years. I'd like to go to Portugal or France or Spain and walk for a month or something. I should. And just sail. I think endless view of blue ocean would do good to me right now. Hitching boats is just not as easy as cars. And who would want this little girl for any other reason than to be his own whore at the sea? But I must try.
It misses some things I wrote!Like actully I don't want a house but a boat as a home. How can you have a boat home and a fruit garden?
Hmmm. Rehellinen vastaus on varmaan että kaikki ei ole ok, paljon on aina väärin, mutta juna kulkee vaan ja aina joskus tuntuu siltä että tässä kaikessa on jotain mieltä. Miten sulla menee?........I'm sorry that I haven't been here to reply to anybody, but at the moment this is the best way for me to do things. I don't know, I have a habit of overthinking, and overthinking the overthinking, and then overthinking the overthinking of overthinking, and this takes a lot of energy, so for now I'm choosing to use this overthinking on writing the book I'm writing/worrying about not writing the book I should be writing/worrying about worrying/etc...So I'm sorry that I'm not here. However, I'm somewhere and for now I have to be there.Oh tiitus. You must come and beer with us.(The last one of my 2 legs is going to be operated on in a few days, but maybe after a month or two I should be able to party again. Or at least sit and drink.)"How can you have a boat home and a fruit garden?" Hey! Let's not be pessimistic.
Dear Ayşe, where art thou?
(I must add: overthinking is not always just a matter of worrying, it can also make things a lot better.)
Vähänkö se on upeeta et me kaikki kuollaan, onneks me kaikki kuollaan ja joka hetki on se sama ku kuoleman hetkellä rajaton ja vapaa ilman mitään tuntemattomassa missään ja sulla on pohjattomat silmät jotka vaeltaa kaikkialla aavoina ja ajattele sä oot pukeutunut siihen ja uit sitä
Tulee aina mieleen veden alla huljuvat hiukset ja sen ihastuksen ääni kesäyössä
Nähdään ikuisessa kuolemassa se on niin viatonta
Jos tämän muistaa, voi olla lähes vapaa...
"Anyway, who was that unknown little person who called you in the middle of the night, and what did they have to say to you?"Hän oli joku poika, joka halusi kaverinsa ostavan hänelle tupakkaa, mutta hän oli hankkinut jostain väärän numeron (numeroni), ja oli äkäinen, kun en suostunut puhumaan yöllä puhelimessa. Lopulta hän suostui uskomaan, että numero tosiaan oli väärä. Sitten hän lähetti minulle jonkin kuvan jostakin mökistä ja vaikeni."How can you have a boat home and a fruit garden?"Voit pitää puutarhaa laivan kannella, mikäli seilailet riittävän lämpimillä leveysasteilla. Voisit hankkia suuria saaveja, joissa hedelmäpuut voisivat kasvaa, tai sitten voisit vain kaataa suuren läjän multaa laivan kannelle ja kasvatella kasvejasi siinä. Toinen vaihtoehto olisi laivan perässä vedettävä puutarhalautta. (Periaatteessa voisit myös omistaa puutarhan ja laivan erikseen. Tai voisit asua laivassa ja pitää puutarhaa viereisessä saaressa / viereisellä rannikolla. Tai voisit tuoda laivan maalle. Mutta viheriöivä laivan kansi kuulostaa paremmalta.)Jos muuten joku yksinäinen/tylsistynyt/tai-mitä-vaan henkilö (kuka tahansa) haluaa (tutustua muhun) jutella kanssani (sähköpostilla tai mieluummin jollakin pikaviestimellä), laitahan viestiä vaikka tänne:firstname.lastname@example.org
Mun viimeisin outo puhelukokemus tapahtui hiljattain, kun joku terveysalan työläinen - joka esitteli itsensä Ariksi tai jotain sinnepäin - soitti tiedustellakseen muutamaa asiaa. Kun vastasin, Ari puhui päälle toistamalla kaiken mitä sanoin kovaäänisenä kaikuna. Niin kuin olisi halunnut painaa kaiken sanotun tarkasti mieleensä kertaamalla sen ääneen. Se oli ihan helvetin ärsyttävää. Sekosin sanoissani ja hiljenin pitkiksi tuokioiksi, kunnes lopulta käsitin, että kyse olikin omasta äänestäni, joka jostain syystä kaikui viiveellä takaisin. Luultavasti puhelu olikin Arille vielä hämmentävämpi kokemus kuin minulle.Niin. Laiva-puutarhayhdistelmissä mahdollisuudet ovat lähes rajattomat.
(Tätä väärinkäsitystä edisti se, että viiveellä palautuva ääneni oli oudosti sumentunut ja vääristynyt niin että se kuulosti enemmän Arin ääneltä kuin omaltani.)
thanks pumpkins for the boat garden tips <3 everything will be fine kesha niyamaybe I should papermarry a refugee and get a boat from him. is that wrong? you don't know or maybe you do how much they would pay for their dream.but they're so tired. im so tired of this shit. I dont want to hear my little brother say to me he's so alone he doesn't have a chance he wants to die he's been dead for 6 years after he left his country and he's sixteen vitun sixteen and he should be welcomed to uk by law cause he's a minor but fuck goverment they dont do this they dont help. it's not happening for real. only if they have family already in uk they might have a chance but otherwise they have to go illegally too but they are allowed to stay at least if they get there.laalallalaa im stuck here forever Or maybe after my brother makes it i will float away. But i love this camp I love my brothers and all the beautiful souls love yooou finland too oh I miss you but it's okay im happy here walla i found a little brother (i dunno why i love him so much he is so beautiful and tiny and innocent and good heart but he's too sad he makes me very sad easily like out of nowhere and I cant stop it) and and everything lalaa. Thoou i got quite tired so i just left for a break to germany i like this so far they are lovely bremen is lovely. I need this. And i have internet and phone this is so weirdThis message is shit olen pahoillani
Hei Olli! Miten menee? Kirjoittaisit lisää. Onko tää blogi oikeasti finito?
Moi! Viimeiset pari vuotta aivoissani ja Wordissani on kasvanut kirja, jonka työnimi on "Johnin evankeliumi". Arvelen, että se myös jää sen nimeksi, jos se minusta riippuu. Se on vähän niin kuin Twilight, mutta Bellan tilalla on Buster Keatonin näköinen, Oopperan kummituksen psykofyysissosiaalisista ongelmista kärsivä poika, eikä Edward ole vampyyri.En tiedä miksi kirjoitan tätä nyt jotenkin näin idioottimaisesti. Tätä kommenttivastausta siis. Tällainen ärsyttävä sävy. Väsyttää. Juuri nyt ihmettelen outoa hajua, joka leijuu tässä huoneessa jossa olen. Tavallaan pilaantuneen öljyinen haju. Olenko se minä? En tunnista tätä itsekseni.Mutta siis kaiken kaikkiaan olen varsin innoissani Twilightistani ja tunnen suloisia maailmaan rakastumisen tunteita joka päivä kun saan asuttaa sitä päässäni. En osaa ennustaa milloin se on valmis.Lisäksi mulla on nyt 50-sivuiseksi paisunut "muistiinpanotiedosto", johon olen pienellä fontilla pipertänyt ideoita Seuraavaa Kirjaani varten. Pelkään että paisutan muistiinpanotiedoston 200-sivuiseksi ennen kuin pääsen aloittamaan varsinaisen kirjan kirjoittamisen. Oikeastaan ongelma on, että 85% kirjatuista ideoista tuntuu tosi hyviltä, 10% hyvin kehityskelpoisilta ja vain viitisen prosenttia on alkanut näyttää paskalta. On syvästi tyydyttävää ja suoraan sanottuna _ihanaa_ haaveilla tätäkin kirjaa paperinpaloille, kännykän muistikirjaan jne., mutta alkaa tuntua että ehkä ideavuori voi kasvaa myös epäkäytännöllisen suureksi. Mindfulness-harjoitusten mukainen suhtautumistapa olisi antaa ajatusten tulla ja mennä, katsella sivusta tarttumatta koko ajan kaikkeen. Otan kuitenkin kaiken talteen koska kaikki tuntuu osuvan kohdalleen.Tätä hölinää vain tulee. Olen hyvin väsynyt, niin väsynyt että olen vähän sekaisin. (Tosin vain pintapuolisesti sekaisin. Syvemmällä tasolla olen nykyään suorastaan hämmentävän ei-sekaisin.) Mitä kysyitkään? Niin, oon miettinyt että ehkä joskus sitten kun kirjani on valmis voisin kirjoittaa tähän blogiin vielä jonkin merkinnän. Joka tapauksessa tuntuu siltä, että tästä pois kääntyminen oli erittäin hyvä päätös, se auttoi energiaani suuntautumaan oikeisiin paikkoihin. Olen ylipäätään paljon vähemmän tyhmä kuin olin tämän blogin jättäessäni. Varmaan tyhmyys olisi vähentynyt joka tapauksessa, mutta jotenkin tuntuu että oma apunsa on ollut ihan siinä ettei ole raportoinut sielunnytkähdyksiään koko ajan muulle ihmiskunnalle, vaan on antanut niille aikaa hengittää... Olen kuitenkin harvakseltaan kirjoitellut merkintöjä erääseen vain itselleni näkyvään blogiin, jonka ehkä joskus muutan toisillekin näkyväksi. Ainakin toistaiseksi tuntuu että joku pienimuotoinen internet-läsnäolo voi olla ihan tarpeellinen juttu, joten ehkä tosta blogista tulee sitten se.Miten sulla menee? Ootko kirjoittanut jotain (blogimerkintöjen lisäksi)?
"oma apunsa on ollut ihan siinä ettei ole raportoinut sielunnytkähdyksiään koko ajan muulle ihmiskunnalle, vaan on antanut niille aikaa hengittää..."Hear hear. Tätä varmaankin suuren osan ihmiskuntaa kannattais harrastaa nykyään!tosiaan, erästä romaanikässäriä parhaillaan kirjoittelen. Eri kuin se, mitä tein pari vuotta sitten, ehkä tää ei oo niin "tyypillinen"esikoinen. (Muistan kyl sen, mitä joskus vouhosin tästä asiasta, ja nyt oon ihan ristiriidassa entisten mielipiteideni kanssa, mut se nyt alkaa olla ihan toistuva kaava itselläni.) Uskoisin, että täs on jotain.Kävin tässä pari vuotta Kriittistä korkeakoulua. Tiedätkö sen? Enemmän kuin "hyödyllisenä" (en vain pidä liiasta, kurssihiotusta ammattimaisuudesta taiteessa) pidin sitä tosi innostavana paikkana, ilmapiiri ja yhteisö oli hyvä ja just sitä, mitä tarvitsin täs kirjoittamistouhussa, ja tarviin edelleen. Suosittelen kyllä tota, vaikka taisitkin tollasta luokkahuone-konseptia karsastaa aik vahvasti...- arsi
Sun romaani kuulostaa hyvin mielenkiintoiselta (jostain syystä todella kuulostaa, siitäkin huolimatta etten tiedä siitä mitään)."Kriittinen korkeakoulu" on jossain määrin tuttu sanapari. Joo, mulla on ongelmia luokkahuoneiden kanssa; paras lääke tähän tosin on oikeanlainen siedätyshoito. Luokkahuoneissa ja vastaavissa tiloissa voi varmasti tapahtua paljon arvokkaita asioita... Vajaat pari vuotta sitten muistan olleeni aikeissa ilmoittautua Oriveden opistoon jollekin kirjoittajalinjalle, mutta vaikuttaa siltä että tätä ei koskaan tapahtunut.Pitäiskö meidän mennä kaljalle taas joskus? (Ehdotan kaljalle menemistä ilmeisesti n. sadalle prosentille tähän blogiin kommentoivista ihmisistä. Well, why not...)
Mikäs siinä! Mites ens vkol?
Ajattelin lähteä tiistaina pois Helsingistä ja viipyä pari viikkoa. Eli toisin sanoen olen täällä vielä huomisen ja maanantain. Parhaiten ehtis varmaan sitten kun palaan, joskus kuun puolenvälin jälkeen siis. (Olen omaksunut salaperäiseksi tyylikseni ehdottaa kaljaa ja sitten lähteä pois Helsingistä.)
ok pist viestiä kun oot takaisin!
(sienipuu joka kommentoit tähän, mutta jonka kommenttia en jostain syystä havaitse muuten kuin sähköpostiini lähetettynä haamuna:Joo, kirjoitin sulle sähköpostin tammikuussa, harmi ettet voi nähdä sitä; ei se tosin kenenkään maailmaa kaada, älä siis huoli. Ratkaisuehdotuksena mieleeni tulee, että voisit tietysti esim. luoda uuden sähköpostiosoitteen, johon voisin uudelleenlähettää sähköpostini?)
Moi ! Oon usein kommentoinnit sulle anonyyminä, nykyään oon ok ja haluisin kiittää sua sun teksteistä! Kaikki mitä oot kirjottanut on tuntunut hyvin inhimilliseltä ja auttanut mua tuntemaan itseni normaaliksi. Kaikki on hyvin nyt ja oot osasyy siihen, vaikka ei koskaan tavattu tai tunneta. Oot hieno ihminen. Kun oot vanha ja ajattelet että "mitä tein" (jos ajattelet, tuskin, toivottavasti et) niin, ainakin sait mut hetkeks tajuumaan, että ihminen on arvokas kun se vaan itse ajattelee olevansa arvokas. Joten kiitos !!! Oot hieno ihminen, ainakin tekstiesi perusteella. Toivottavasti joskus tavataan !! Hyvää elämä, toivon Myös tosi paljon, että saan joskus lukea sun kirjasi. Koska salee Tuun lukee sen, kun se julkaistaan ja tajuun että tää on sun kirja, vaikka siinä on eri nimi. Anteeks. Oon huppelissa, pidän susta ! Kiitos näistä parista vuodesta (enemmän???) joita oon saannut viettää sun blogin seurassa !! Ps. En jaksa tarkastaa oikeinkirjoitusta
Oi. Kiitos. Iloitsen tästä kommentista. Kiitos!Iloitsen siitä että sulla on kaikki hyvin nyt. Iloitsen siitä että olen voinut jollain tavalla auttaa siinä.Ihmisenä eläminen on tosi vaikeaa, siitä olen päivä päivältä vakuuttuneempi. Mikään ei ole helppoa, outoa kyllä edes onnellisuus ei välttämättä ole ollenkaan helppoa tai kevyttä, kaikella on aina painonsa. Jos kykenee toimimaan tukena toisille ihmisille ja elämään oman elämänsä niin, että tää homma alkaa tuntua itse kullekin jännemmältä, vapaammalta tai ylipäätään kokemisen arvoiselta, niin se on ehkä suurinta mitä voi saada aikaan. Toivon, että sitten kun olen vanha, voin katsoa taaksepäin ja muistaa onnistuneeni nimenomaan sellaisessa.Joka tapauksessa olen jatkossakin löytyvä täältä, tai ainakin jostain jonka kirjoittaja on O. Brander, se tulee pysymään. Toki olen myös tavattavissa fyysis-henkisenä kokonaisuutena, jos joskus tahdot. Kävi miten kävi, vaikutat mainiolta ja toivon sulle elämää ja rakkautta ja voimaa!(Oikeiden sanojen löytäminen tuntuu tosi haastavalta nykyään. Siis oikeiden sanojen yhdistäminen juttuihin, joita havaitsee sielussa ja maailmassa. Jaa-a. Ehkä lähimmäs totuutta pääsisi jos hylkäisi sanat kokonaan ja ryhtyisi koiraksi. Ehkä vielä joskus....)
okei tein uuden postin, protonmailii, unikuu, anna tullaoon nyt paikallaankin ja tietokoneen ulottuvilla tovin
"Kirjoittaja on poistanut tämän kommentin." Vastaan silti!"Mitä kuuluu?" on alkanut tuntua kysymykseltä johon on ihan erityisen vaikea vastata. Siis siinä tapauksessa että sitä kysytään ihan tosissaan kiinnostuneena, missä tapauksessa "Ihan hyvää" ei riitä..... Vastauksen löytäminen on helppoa silloin kun jotain poikkeuksellisen merkittävää on meneillään, esim. akuutti kriisi tai vaikka rakastuminen tai jotain. Yleensä tilanne on kuitenkin monimutkaisempi ja tosissaan kysytty "mitä kuuluu" saa aikaan jonkinlaisen lievän päänsisäisen sähkökatkoksen, kun Ihminen (tai siis minä) ymmärtää ettei hän pohjimmiltaan ole ihan varma siitä että mitä hänelle Kuuluu............ Jostain syystä alan nykyään tehtailla tällaista paskaa joka kerta kun joku kirjoittaa kommentin tähän blogiin. Näissä mun vastauksissa on jonkinlainen "ääni" jota en tunnista täysin omakseni. En sanoisi että se on huolestuttavaa, hiukan ärsyttävää kyllä. En kuitenkaan jaksa olla ärsyyntynyt, pitää oppia kieltäytymään olemasta ärsyyntynyt.Niin siis, en osaa vastata kunnolla, tiiviisti ainakaan. On pimeyttä ja valoa, hämmennystä ja selkeyttä. Aion kohta pakata tavaroita matkalaukkuun, jonka aion huomenna ottaa mukaani maaseudulle, missä aion viettää n. viikon yksin poissa (elävien ja epäfiktiivisten) ihmisapinoiden ulottuvilta... Ikkuna on raollaan, tuoksuu kevät.Eniten mua kiinnostaa seuraava: Mitä sulle kuuluu? Kuka oikeastaan olet? Ehkä osaat vastata paremmin kuin minä. Siinä tapauksessa ettet osaa/jaksa/halua, voit vastata myös vapaamuotoisemmin ja Kertoa Vain Jotain. Haluan tietää.
Jos annat sähköpostin, voin Kertoa Vain Jotain.
email@example.com. Odotan mielenkiinnolla.
moi olli. eksyin tänne pitkästä aikaa ja ajattelin jättää merkin käynnistäni. toivottavasti sulla on kaikki ihan jees. hyvää loppukevättä.t. vilma/kuja
Moi, kiitos merkin jättämisestä! Toivon sullekin kaikkea tota, asioiden jeesiyttä ja kevään hyvyyttä ja kaikkea muutakin valoa. Jos joku päivä haluat tavata kaljan tai jonkin merkeissä, niin se on helposti järjestyvä.
lähetkö kaljalle esim. just nyt? todennäköisesti et, mut en kai menetä mitään, vaikka kysynkin.
Voi perkele, en nähnyt tätä ajoissa. Lähden kaljalle tänään!
(Oon täällä siis vielä tänään, sitten katoan taas viikoksi.)
Anteeks. Mua lähinnä ujostuttaa liikaa selvänä lähteä mihinkään. Siksi kirjoitin edellisen viestini kännissä. Eilen en uskaltanut myöskään, koska oon saanut kesätöitä (!!!) eikä sais juoda, jos seuraavana päivänä on töitä. Paitsi esim nyt oon humalassa. Mut oonkin paska. Ja yksin.Ikävöin muuten ayşee tosi paljon.
Mitä jos kaljoittelisimme (tmv.) tänään tai huomenna? Mikäli velvollisuuksiltasi kykenet siis. Sijaitsen nimittäin Helsingissä tän ja huomisen päivän ja lauantaina lähden viikoksi Pois. (Väitän näköjään aina lähteväni "viikoksi", mutta nyt lähden siis oikeasti viikoksi.)Toi tunne siitä että on oltava kännissä uskaltautuakseen kylmään maailmaan on mullekin tuttu. Erityisesti vuonna 2015 tuntui siltä, se ei ollut kovin hyvä, se johti pahalla tavalla surrealistisiin tilanteisiin. Se tuntuu kuitenkin vähitellen selvästi helpottaneen, jostain syystä. On aina kivaa kun jostain syystä vain helpottaa. Mutta voimme tietysti juopua tahoillamme ennen kuin kohtaamme, jos haluat! (Oudon mahtipontinen lause asiasisältöön nähden.) (On kuulemma ärsyttävää, että nää mun kommenttivastaukset nykyään metatasolla kommentoivat itseään. Olen samaa mieltä, silti en osaa lopettaa.) (Luultavasti vain pahennan tilannetta kommentoimalla itse kommentointiakin.)Me too. Ayşe, wherever you are, do know that we miss you and think about you and hope that things around you and inside your head are alright and alive and interesting.
Anteeksi, olin monta päivää katsomatta vastasitko kommenttiini, kun hävetti. Ja missasin näköjään päivällä. Mutta jos joskus vielä tulet takaisin Helsinkiin, niin voin kyl lähtee kaljalle. Ainakin jos on joku viikonlopuksi katsottava päivä.Oon kuitenkin kai jo jotain vuoden tai pari tai en tiiä mut kuitenki oon tavallaan odottanut sitä.
Mites olis joku päivä alkavalla viikolla?
Täl kertaa olin monta kuukautta katsomatta kun hävetti. Anteeksi.Oikeesti kyl varmaan vieläki lähtisin kaljalle.
Mä olin kerran ~9 kuukautta katsomatta mitä erääseen kommenttiini oli vastattu, koska hävetti/ahdisti. Kun sitten keräsin rohkeuteni ja kävin katsomassa, siihen ei ollutkaan vastattu mitään, mikä tuntui sekä pahalta että hyvältä.Se olis kivaa. Mennään milloin vaan haluat ja rohkenet.
Okei. Nyt olen vähän liikkumisrajoitteinen murtuneen nilkkani vuoksi, mutta ehkä sitten?
Joo! Paranemista ja lempeyttä nilkallesi.
I really wanted to sit down and write a ten page letter apologizing for disappearing for 100 million years, but damn, I have to be quick. I'm really sorry. I've missed you all so much. I've been thinking about you everyday since I stopped writing. I'm such a piece of shit, I was so afraid of writing to you because everything I wrote seemed so dumb and whenever I sat down to write I was so frustrated with my words. I would start writing and get frustrated and then give up everytime. I'm such a lazy piece of shit teenager. And now my life is falling apart. I don't think I will be able to explain what happened. I tried to write but writing it gave me so much pain I couldn't finish. Also I'm not even sure if you would like to know what happened. To sum it up, I loved and trusted somebody and we were dating but it turned out that he was only using me, and he did some stuff to me which I cannot explain right now. I was in so much pain. I knew I had to go to the police but I was so scared of my parents' reaction to the stuff that happened. So I decided to talk to one of my teachers. I talked to her, told her what happened, and everything thrived so fast. The next thing I knew I was in the police car, and my mother was there, asking me what happened. I had to tell her everything, and my father too, and it was horrible. Telling them what happened was the worst thing I've ever experienced in my entire life. Dad took my phone. He doesn't let me use it. He doesn't let me use the laptop either. I use the laptop for a short time when he is out or taking a nap. He doesn't let me listen to music. He doesn't let me go out. He threw away some of my caricature books. We sued the guy, I have a lawyer now. There's gonna be a trial, I don't know when. So. Life's kind of a mess and it's pretty boring. Dad expects me to do only two things: do house chores and study. I'm not even allowed to think. Ugh. Anyways how are you? p.s.: Also our computer got broken recently and all the saved info in it is gone now. And I have no idea what e-mail and password I used for my blogger account. This is why I cannot use that anymore.
Oh, Ayşe! I'm so glad to see you here again! There is no need to apologize, all your reasons for silence are 100% understandable. (I also have to say that "Everything I wrote seemed so dumb and whenever I sat down to write I was so frustrated with my words. I would start writing and get frustrated and then give up everytime" constitutes about 80% of my own existence as a writer.)I'm writing this in a hurry too, I'm going away to this strange week-long thing where I won't be able to communicate with anybody in any way (I can explain later). I'll write a better response when I come back.What you told about what's been going on in your life is shocking. But it's wonderful that you were able to talk to someone about what happened. Doing so was very brave of you. Not everybody has that kind of courage. The situation with your dad sounds disturbing, though. Will things get easier when you turn 18?Now I have to go. I wish I could say something that could help you in some way, but I guess all I can do at this point is magically send love and power and all good things in your direction.
I have thought about you, Ayşe, since last summer. I'm so glad to hear from you. But I'm sorry you're not doing that well. I wish I could do something to help you. And I wish I knew something better to say to you. Maybe I'll come back tomorrow when I've slept.- tiitus (I saw that I've used that name here. My real name is Vilma.)
I'm back. The thing I participated in was a meditation retreat... It probably sounds kind of weird and creepy, and it's definitely something I never would have imagined myself doing a few years ago (and actually, sitting in a quiet room filled with people has been one of my most intense personal fears since secondary school; a fear so bad that it has often made me physically ill), but well, this happened. This was among the strangest, most powerful things I've experienced in my life so far - so it's hard to write about it in a concise way, so I won't even try. All I can say is that human life really, truly, seriously, does not have to be so full of shame and hate and anxiety...... and while I'm saying this, I'm aware that saying this isn't enough to convince anyone. These are just words. However, behind them there is truth that can be _felt_ in the body, and when you start feeling it in your body, you start getting the point. (I'll probably write more about this adventure in my secret blog... It will probably stop being secret some day.)Ayşe, you've been one of the recurring thoughts in my mind. Please let us know more about your situation when you get the chance to write again. I got this idea in my head that you should come and visit Finland... Obviously, not immediately, but some day, when things are clearer. Is this a crazy idea? Is this even a possibility?
Hey! I'm able to write again. Hopefully there won't be long months full of silence anymore. I'll probably be able to respond immediately when you write to me. My dad still doesn't want me to use my phone or the computer but I sometimes rebel and find a way to use them without him noticing... So, that meditation retreat sounds really interesting, Olli. I always wanted to meditate too. I'm sure that experience gave you something that improved your writing. You should write more of it sometime, and ahhh I'm sure your secret blog would kill me if you made it publicly open someday. You know how excited I am for everything you write. About my situation... My father hates me, he also hates my mom. Says we ruined his life, which is crazy, we didn't do anything to him! My mom has such a beautiful soul but my father is just disgusted from her. He's so full of bitterness. He gave up on me for becoming his dream child I guess, he always wanted me to be a scientist or something. But instead I ended up being a problematic kid. Sad. I also turned 18 on the 31st of July. (hey it's harry potter's birthday too, Olli. I know you liked Harry Potter, don't know if you still do though) I am an adult now I guess? It doesn't change anything though, cause I wasn't able to get into the university that I wanted, which is awful. Now I'm stuck in my house with my hateful dad, not allowed to go out on my own. Not even allowed to watch movies or listen to music (I have to do them secretly) because dad things the internet has corrupted me. But... I'm not out of hope. They haven't seen the last of me yet actually... This is the most hopeful I have ever been in my life even. Because this year I'm going to take the university exams again, and I know that I am going to be succesful this time. The first exam is in March and I already started studying. I'm gonna study as hard as I can, and I'm gonna get accepted to the school of my dreams (if you ever wonder how it looks and you wanna look it up it's name is boğaziçi university). Then, about your invitation to Finland... I'm so happy that you invited me, because I wanted to visit you someday since I first read your blog... What I'm dreaming is; I'm gonna study hard, get accepted to the school that I wanted, and then you know there are exchange programs that universities do, I want to come to Finland with an exchange program...
Tiitus, thanks for being so nice, you really helped with your words... Honestly there is nothing better than knowing that there are people out there thinking, caring about you... You are always on my mind too, all of you... I'm thinking about Santeri and Samae too, wondering how they're doing... I left without responding to them and I'm so sorry for tha :(
I'm sure that I made a billion typos and grammatical mistakes but I'm so nervous and unfortunayely very impatient so I just send before reading what I wrote ugh sorry
I thought you might find this cool: https://youtu.be/c1ivrVbzUGw it's Turkish rock, and they made a video promoting animal rights! When I first saw this video I got so emotional that one of the biggest bands in Turkey was promoting animal rights... The lyrics are so beautiful too, wish I could translate them for you but I'm not skilled enough :/ anyway I wanted to share this, I'm curious about how Turkish sounds to you. Is it weird? Does it sound like Arabic?
Very glad to hear from you, Ayşe!!! (I just felt like putting those !'s there.) I have a couple of difficult things that I have to do/finish, so I haven't replied yet, but I'll get back here tomorrow or the day after that and I'll write a masterpiece of a response.
I know, your responses are always masterpieces! Are you busy with the books you're writing? Are the difficult things about your books? How is the writing going? By the way, I wanted to talk about the Smiths but I forgot. They became one of my favorite bands! Johnny Marr is a wizard, how can he come up with so many amazing guitar riffs? Morrissey is incredible too, I love his lyric writing. The combining of Marr's musical work and Morrissey's lyrics is just flawless. I also love the 80's sound that they have. My favorite Smiths song is Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others. When I first heard that song I was mesmerized. It feels so beautiful to me that it fades in, fades out and then fades in again in the beginning. I love Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me too. And my favorite album is Meat Is Murder. The Headmaster Ritual, I Want The One I Can't Have, That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore, Barbarism Begins At Home, Meat Is Murder, all incredibly amazing songs. How is it even possible for an album to contain that many amazing songs? I love rest of their work too. And the artwork they use for their album and single covers are my aesthetic. Thanks for introducing me to that band
Here I am again. After the meditation retreat my life really has been more or less different in certain ways... One of them is that my relationship with writing is easier again.When I was about 16, writing felt incredibly easy, I just sat down and started writing and everything that came out felt amazingly right. I was a bit of a moron back then, in a way that made life simple and me productive. However, as time passed I started to take this whole writing thing more seriously. Writing became such an essential part of my ideas about myself and my future that it became an existentially terrifying thing to just sit down and start writing... I mean, when you start writing, the first sentences that come out are usually really shitty. It takes some time to find the right rhythm, courage and vibe of the soul to start producing text that means something.This shittiness stage tends to feel profoundly painful: what if I’m not as good as I thought I was – what if this is the best I can do?So for a long time I just avoided this stage. Which meant that for a few years my book-writing was basically based on having to go somewhere alone, do weird stuff, not sleep, stop wearing shirts and pants, become inhuman and gradually get into a state of mental anarchy that allowed me to just start writing without so much fear... I would write for 18 hours straight, then be exhausted and not write at all for the next 5 weeks. Of course, this strategy meant that the writing of my book mostly progressed with the magnificent speed of a mountain.For a couple of months now things have been different. On the retreat, the teacher – a woman named Leela; one of the most impressive people and probably the clearest thinker I've ever met – quoted writer Samuel Beckett: "Fail. Fail again. Fail better." (At least that's how the quote goes in my head. Probably a slightly modified version of what Leela said/what Samuel said.) What a _revolution_ it is to get over the idea that what you do/are has to be “perfect”, and instead focus on _failing interestingly_... It allows me to just _show up_ and start writing, without worrying too much about any predetermined idea of how things should go. Sometimes what comes out is truly brilliant, sometimes it's lifeless shit, sometimes it’s something else.What's weird and unusual about the wisdom that started growing in my brain on the retreat is that it’s actually turning out to work. I mean, the whole idea of creating (or, more importantly, _being_) an “interesting failure” instead of choking on some unhealthy fantasy of “perfection” – it sounds good, it sounds right. However: if unhealthy perfectionism is a biological part of your biological brain, simply understanding and intellectually admitting that it’s unhealthy doesn’t really delete it. It takes a lot of work.Lately – remarkably – these wiser ways of thinking have been changing my behaviour/affecting my moods in a real way. I guess it has a lot to do with meditation.Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that thanks to the “just show up” mindset, I’m doing really good writing-wise. I spend a lot of time writing the Book, and what’s happening with the Book is really interesting and fun.The downside here is that I feel like I simply lack the time and energy to stay in proper contact with other members of my species. I feel kind of exhausted mentally.So, this is my way of explaining why my responses to you, Ayşe, and other lovely people will probably happen very slowly and clumsily. However, I’m probably going to appear here every now and then and write something. Perhaps once a month or so? We’ll see...(By the way, I realize that my earlier promise to write “a masterpiece of a response” totally contradicts everything I just wrote. Lol. All I can say is that I don’t always make much sense. Praise the Lord.)
Also, I must say that I have no idea whether the people who’ve participated in this conversation will do so in the future. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t. I have no idea. The main reason is that I don’t exactly know _where_ they will be....For example, a couple of weeks ago Santeri left Helsinki to finally really travel on his own and visit all kinds of places. He’s going to work on some ancient olive farm in Italy, or some shit like that. Right now I believe he’s bicycling somewhere in Sweden... All I know is that he’ll be gone for some time.As for Samae, she hitchhiked her way out of Finland a year ago and had all kinds of adventures all over Europe... She just got back. But very soon she’s going to leave again.Anyway.What you wrote about your father makes me assume that he’s not very happy... Sounds like he’s in some kind of serious pain. I don’t know. What a shitty situation you’re in. It’s probably not too uncommon for people to feel dissatisfied, frustrated and confused, and then blame the people closest to them for “ruining their life”... How does your mom feel about your father’s words/behaviour? Does she support you?You should be very proud of having the same birthday as Harry Potter. (I’ll always like Harry Potter, by the way. I’ll always be thankful, because I think that Harry Potter was one of the things that shaped me in a positive way when I was a kid.) Perhaps you and Harry are actually twins, but you were adopted right after birth for some reason? Maybe you should confront your parents and ask them about this; however, they probably wouldn’t tell you the truth. If they’ve kept this hidden for such a long time, it’s not going to change overnight. If Harry really is your biological brother, then it means that your biological parents are dead... There’s nothing you can do about it at this point, I guess. Voldemort is dead too, so you can’t even take revenge.It’s interesting to read about your thoughts on The Smiths. I’m glad you’ve found them (or perhaps they’ve found you). What’s particularly interesting is that you hear an 80’s sound in their songs, as it shows how subjective these things can be. When I was 16 and getting into The Smiths, I distinctly remember feeling like their music was new, like Morrissey was singing right there and there was no time between us. I guess I was a bit religious about it. Nowadays Morrissey is like my elderly husband or something, in the sense that I don’t feel the passion I used to, there’s just this mundane warmth of having him there.
As for “Duman - Öyle Dertli”, very cool. What a beautiful thing that they stood up for animals... Musically, I like it. The language sounds unique in the sense that it doesn’t automatically make me think of any other language. It’s nice to see that Turkish has “ö”, as Finnish has that too. (Here’s a Finnish word with lots of ö’s: ölömölö. I’m not sure what that means. It’s possible that it isn’t even a word. [The problem with trying to figure out whether a word is real or not is that when you think about a word, any word, for long enough, it starts sounding fucking odd and impossible.]) It would be nice to learn more Turkish, maybe you can teach me sometime.Your plan sounds fantastic. Welcome to Finland... I’m really glad to hear you’re hopeful, because that’s an important thing. I think that people don’t always realize how important it is. Personally, I know that I’ve been abnormally lucky to have such a clear direction, something that I’m always walking towards (and deeply care about and enjoy getting better at)... I often get the feeling that a lot of (actually, most) young people (and older people, too) lack this completely, and have given up on looking for it. (This is an oversimplification of the real situation, of course. Still sort of true, I think.) That can make life feel quite flat. But when you have hope, a real plan that gives you hope and meaning, a sense of an interesting future, or even just a serious desire to keep looking for an interesting path, well, that can change everything.As Oscar Wilde, a good pal of mine, said, “We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” There’s a profound difference.Anyway, I hope that things work out, Ayşe. I believe in you.
I'm so sorry for making you wait for so long. I want to write so badly, but I'm constantly monitorized... It sucks :( if only I had about two private hours a day just to write to you. I wouldn't ask for anything else. Merry Christmas everybody!! I hope you are all having a wonderful Christmas with your friends & family! Are Santeri and Samae home for the holidays? They should tell me about all the adventures they've had, I'm so curious! Also, HAPPY 100TH YEAR OF INDEPENDENCE FROM RUSSIA TO ALL MY FINNISH FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!! (It's been 21 days but still) I'm glad that the meditation helped you improve your writing. I'm so hyped for the book. When it comes out, I'm gonna be the person who translates it into Turkish. Then I'm gonna force everybody I've ever known into buying 10 copies until we make it a bestseller. It's gonna be a bestseller even if I don't do anything but I wanna guarantee it. You know how to deal with that "shittiness stage" now, but if you ever doubt that you're not as good as you think you are, stop. Because you ARE as good as you think you are. But then you might think "What if I'm not as good as she thinks I am?" Don't think that neither cause I'm a very reliable person. A few weeks ago, my father got diagnosed with cancer. Nobody's ever said this, but I know it's because of me. I made him so sad that he got cancer. His hair is balding because of chemotherapy, and he looks old for the first time ever. Don't worry tho, cause the type of cancer he got is not really dangerous and he's not gonna die
I take 3,5 years to write a 2-sentence response to this blog and then i check every 5 minutes to see if i got a response back
Hello again!For the past few weeks I've been living and writing in a quiet apartment that's surrounded by pubs and nightclubs in every direction. In the small hours I stand in front of the window and watch the drunken people who kiss, fight and cry on the streets.I moved here right after independent Finland turned 100 years old. So it could be argued that me moving here is the beginning of a new era for the whole nation.On New Year's Eve I took a long walk around the center of Helsinki to check some stuff for my book. The first scene of the book happens on a bridge in Hakaniemi (https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/5/5b/Merihaka_Hakaniemen_silta_Helsinki.jpg) on New Year's Eve, so when 2017 was about to end, I went and stood there to see if everything was the way I'd imagined it. Turns out I'd imagined everything correctly. However, the fact that I was standing there alone, silently watching the fireworks above the city, apparently seemed somehow tragic - I've never considered New Year's Eve as a night when you should be particularly social, but it seems to be how people generally perceive it. As I stood there, two nice and decent-seeming young humans came to me, gave me a glass of champagne and told me that if I wanted to, I was welcome to come and join their party. They smiled kindly at me, and I smiled back and mumbled something vague and asked if they wanted me to return the glass. "No", they laughed, "you can keep it." Then they returned to their group and I remained where I was, standing awkwardly with the glass of champagne in my hand. A couple of hours earlier (because my neck and head hurt after writing in unhealthy positions) I'd taken a painkiller that shouldn't be mixed with alcohol, so I just pretended to drink from the glass while the nice people kept glancing at me from the distance and probably waiting for me to make my move and join them. I couldn't join them, because I had things to do, but there was no easy way to explain that, so eventually I just moved on and disappeared like Batman, the champagne splashing on my frozen fingers. Oh well. They were such nice people and it was such a heartwarming thing, so I hope that they didn't feel rejected or silly about having done something kind... Luckily, chances are that they simply forgot about me and my existence the moment I disappeared from the scene.Thank you for your reassuring words, Ayşe. Writing is such a slow and solitary process that it does make a difference to know that there are others who have faith in my ability to pull it off.I'm sorry to hear about your father. Good to know that the cancer isn't lethal. Obviously, you shouldn't blame yourself for his illness. That's silly and you know it. Even if your father feels sad about something you have or haven't done, you haven't done anything wrong by being you. It's your job to live your life now and make your own choices, even if some of them turn out to be mistakes (which is healthy and inevitable). I hope that your father sees that eventually.Other than that, how are you? What's going on in your life?It's been months since I last saw Samae, but I received an email from her recently. She's in France right now, on a mountain.Santeri is still in Italy. Actually, a couple of months ago me and my sister, whose pseudonym here shall be Margaret, visited him. We spent a few nights in a town in Central Italy. Margaret had a horrible flu, and she slept in the hotel as Santeri and I sat in a cocktail bar drinking "Sex on the Beach". It was an interesting trip.I don't know exactly what Samae and Santeri are doing right now, but maybe some day they'll appear here and tell us something.
Hello again Good to hear from you Ayse! Although your situation isn't very pleasant. Olli was exaggerating a bit, I haven't had so many adventures. Or not fun ones at least. Most of the time I've spent with a kitchen group which cooks for refugees. I knew pretty much nothing about refugee situation when I decided to volunteer in one refugee camp in France, in Grande-synthe (the one and only "humanitarian" camp) which in the end burned down and police or nobody did nothing to stop this cause that's what they wanted. I haven't been there since they destroyed the official camp but I've heard it's really fucked up and police is just disgusting. Cause the people didn't go anywhere of course, it's the closest to UK, the Dream. Now they just sleep in tents instead of shelters. And the situation at the Italian border isn't any less fucked-up. They sleep under a bridge. The mountains can be dangerous to cross , and military is hunting them. I heard how one group got catched by the military, and they just pushed them off the cliff, breaking bones and killing someone. And then - they "rescued" them. That's the part that was mentioned in the news. I don't reaĺly have any hope for anyone anymore. I lost it in the camp. The system is bullshit and inhumane and they have to do crazy things to survive.I'd say I'm more open in different ways. Sometimes I've been happier than for a long time. But I also got really tired and angry. I've learned things about myself and now I understand myself and my problems a bit better. I'm writing with a phone and it's annoying so I'll write more later when I have a chance.
I wrote I a long response to everything and more during last 36 hours. As with all the texts I consider something of importance, I wrote it to my notebook in varying locations. I stayed up very long last night and didn't sleep much, so I don't have any power to transcribe it here now. Writing is always quite an exhausting process, and once I start, it is hard to finish. In Summer 2016, I was writing here very spontaneously and in the name of honesty I have to say that I don't remember very much of it, because at that time everything was such a mess. But now I am more awake and think I succeeded in conveying something deeper. At least I allowed myself to fail better than before. So see you soon.Santeri
I realized that what I had already written was like a volcano erupting, and then I was frightened. I was really not telling about my Journey, it had some elements of a fiery sermon or something. And that is not where I want to begin from. So today I started writing again. Everything shall be out in time. I just wonder if I should open a blog - that is, in English, of course - because now it seems like I have a lot of things to tell, and in the wilderness I'm staying I've got very little to do except a few hours of daily work in a small-scale farm... the rest is all idleness in the middle of nowhere. So now I just want to say that Ayse, I'm very sorry that I disappeared from here for a great time, but I have had my vague (not very good) reasons for that. You are under a real ordeal now it seems. Your situation and the way you have been treated makes me feel sad and angry. I wish I could help you. You are in my thoughts every day now. One day we will meet and things are going to be better by then.I think why I stopped writing here was because I thought I had been bad somehow. I still do not dare to read my comments I wrote in 2016. I was a self-centered alcoholic at that time. These days I drink almost nothing except water and coffee. Only sometimes I've had a little glass or two of grappa. I think that now I am finally able to control my drinking. I have been a real danger to myself. Almost two months of sobriety has been very good for me. I think I am happier than I have been ever since when I was twelve or something. I am lonely and I suffer, but still.So... I will be back, my friends. Say something now
Samae,Finding yourself face to face with the apathy and hypocrisy of those with power is without doubt always horrible.... It's no wonder you feel tired. I hope you come across some reasons for hope. Write more when you can.Santeri.The fiery sermon sounds interesting. What you're writing now also sounds interesting. Take your time.Starting a blog can be a good idea when you have things to say. I also continue to have a blog in English, and I continue to be the only one who's able to see it. (Besides the CIA, of course. They follow my every move.) I don't write there very often, and it mainly consists of love letters to dead women and pictures of Buster Keaton.I'm happy to hear you feel clearer and happier now! Spending some time in the middle of nowhere can be one of the healthiest things in the world.
By the way, that "I am lonely and I suffer" appendix has a certain pathos I regard as silly now. Actually my own suffering does not make me suffer, but that of the others, and not my own loneliness, but that of the others.There was pathos also, but the sort I like more. My life is just strange. It is a sort of mystery drama. So I should not worry about myself. There is always something left unsaid or something to correct, so I expect I will be flooding here pretty much.There were these stripes in the sky again today. They bring around sadness and murder, I was told. First there was only one as I was taking the male dog out in the morning, but soon the sky was full of them. There has been very strange skies here.
I think I cannot say such things about my loneliness and suffering. That it is that of the others. It is of course both. So it is all universal. Is this some kind of Jesus syndrome I am having here? In the end, I am just a whimsical little boy (I should say "man", but I'm having a hard time admitting that I'm an adult)
Keep it coming.The world is an abstract painting.
I love the new album by Morrissey. There are some ecstatically good tracks in it. My Love I'd Do Anything for You, Jackie's Only Happy When She's up on the Stage, I Wish You Lonely, I Bury the Living, Spent the Day in Bed... I think it's the best since You Are the Quarry, and very up-to-date, dangerous, and true. Morrissey was destroyed deliberately by the mainstream media, maybe because otherwise people could start thinking something. The whole album IS about provoking a break-up with the mainstream media. Morrissey can certainly be rather silly, impulsive and naive in his comments about things, but he is tackling the greater truths, and he has the attitude of a real hero. And first of all artists are energy channels, not those making intelligent/deep comments about things. Morrissey says all kinds of stuff, but truly intelligent he can only be in his mighty poetic perfomance. The Finnish official commentator on Morrissey, Antti Nylén, whom I like only in certain respects, made some boring comments about his alleged comments on the world-wide sexual harrassment scandal (which is only partially good thing, its main aim being in hunting for patsies instead of truly exposing the whole deal of this culture of rapists and molesters; they gave Weinstein, the "poor" bastard, as a sacrifice) and the immigrant crisis. The pontificate of Nylén could not possibly think of the possibilty of Der Spiegel unscrupulously perverting his views and sayings. At the same time, the silly right wing rebel Timo Hännikäinen was praising Morrissey's "fresh" comments, which I would consider also a boring thing to do, since what he was allegedly saying in the interview was nothing new or interesting in itself.
I understand really well why a lot of Morrissey fans have a hard time coming to terms with the new sides of Morrissey’s public persona. Luckily, I already stopped expecting Morrissey to a) be “wise” or rational or to b) think the way I do a few years ago when I realized that he just isn’t and doesn’t. That’s okay. He doesn’t have to. I can concentrate on the things that are magical about him.Nowadays people seem to have very strict ideas about who’s on Their Side and who’s on the Enemy’s Side. They take these sides very seriously and want to keep their lives clean of the wrong people and the wrong ideas, the darkness of the other side. It’s understandable. But obviously it also makes life smaller.Just a year ago my existence was full of anger and sadness and tension because it was really hard for me to deal with the fact that the great majority of people were (and are) more or less indifferent and oblivious when it comes to the things, ideas and values that I deeply care about. It seems that the past year (with its meditation teachers, bad trips, and endless annoying conversations with a person who always asks “why?” and “what makes you think that way?” when I claim something) has taught me to hold less tightly to my views of reality. I feel more tolerant and open, even more alive now. I still think that the things I believe in are valuable and worth fighting for, but I’m a lot more willing to recognize that completely different ways of conceptualizing the world and making meaning are possible too.I hope that I’ll find the strength and wisdom to live my life fighting for the things that I care about, without wasting my energy hating or avoiding people who think differently.“artists are energy channels, not those making intelligent/deep comments about things.”That’s an interesting idea.
(P.S.By "That's an interesting idea" I really mean that it's interesting and made me think.... "That's an interesting idea" could also be said sarcastically and then the meaning would be totally different.Just felt the need to clarify because it's so easy to miss the tone when it comes to written language.)
Maybe I was using a little bit harsh words when talking about Nylén. In the end, he made some wise comments also, and defended him. But the whole lynching thing around Morrissey I certainly assign to the usual cultural environment of provoking hate, contradictions, and anger. I don't trust media, and Morrissey's public persona is not in his own control. He only says something emotional, imprudent or weird, and then they modify it according to what they need. The scandal around him effectively muted all the intelligent discussion about his new album, and probably all the albums yet to come.
Yeah. I dislike this environment where an artist has to have the right set of opinions in order to survive. It's quite scary actually."The scandal around him effectively muted all the intelligent discussion about his new album, and probably all the albums yet to come."Let's hope not... That would suck.
... Every time I've written something about my "spiritual progress", I start wondering how much of it is wishful thinking (_wanting_ to have changed) and how much of it is real change.I mean, I definitely FEEL a lot more tolerant and open than before, but I haven't really put that tolerance to the test "in the real world". Basically I'm just sitting here enjoying my own company, _hoping_ that I'm becoming gradually less idiotic over time.This culture of coming-back-to-express-dissatisfaction-with-my/our-previous-comments-here is also getting a bit tiresome and weird. I'll go away now, I want to sleep more.
Olli, I think that this reflective torture you're putting yourself through is an obstacle on the way of your spiritual progress. I would say something like "do not draw this Line between the inside and the outside so sharply". As above, so below, etc. The light has to be allowed to shine confidently and if you are under suspicions, they are the ones respectively reflecting on the real state of this progress.It is really hard to say what is the problem with the others though. I don't want to play a guru anyway. But I think that you think too much. Thinking much is itself good, but what I see here is the classical clinging point. You attach to this thing. This wilderness of mirrors is eating your energy, and what are we but energy, constituons of magic white, black and more?I hope this did not sound very axiomatic. I cannot claim to be successful at all times either. But nowadays I seem to have developed a palpable ability to have trust in the fire inside me. It makes me scared indeed, but also happy.
It turns out that I am going to a different place on the next Wednesday, in the mountains as well, near the French border. There'll be supposedly more human life than here. I applied for them already a couple of weeks ago, and had already started thinking they did not like my message and, thus, myself. As an impulsive drama prince, I felt bloodily offended and I was already casting a vicious spell on all the hosts imaginable, booking a cheap flight from Milan to Porto, thinking that I would lead a month of martyrous life in cheap hostels, walking from village to village, then coming back to Finland in the beginning of April using God-knows-what route. That was quite an absurd idea, in the end. I have not the kind of money to live a month on my own. So, my impatience and caprices cost me 44 euros. I feel a little anxious and a little amused. Anyway, I think I am ready to change the scene. Things have been a little bit crazy here sometimes, though still in a very educative way. I will tell about everything in time. Now I have some 25 pages of text to transcribe about another subject. The chances for the existence for My Blog seem very good at the moment. I am not sure if there is a computer for me to use in the new place, as it is here. So I try to be quick to be forced to lose my temper with my phone.
A correction to the last sentence: to be quick IN ORDER NOT to be etc.
I think I know what you mean, and you're probably right. But it's complicated. I guess the problem with being too quick to talk about one's spiritual/intellectual/whatever progress is that progress is not a straight line at all, so premature talk about "I'm cured now" can make you feel quite disappointed, naive and stupid when the inevitable low points come. ... But I also think that when people talk about having changed in a positive way, really often it's a kind of prayer: they talk about their dreams and ideals, who they'd _like_ to be. Even if they aren't quite there yet, they're already identifying with the ideal. And it's a useful and beautiful thing - because what we identify with, who we _think_ we are, guides our behaviour, thus leading to change that is very real.(In all honesty, I think the main reason why I sometimes slightly "debunk" something I've written is this need to prove something to some imaginary critic - to show that as well as being an ambitious idealist, I'm also "realistic" and "self-aware" and "mature". What a waste of time, actually, for the most part. The only one pretending to have a problem with my ambitious idealism is me.)...For how long are you going to stay in that new place?
You are right. But it is a sign of develepmont itself that one is ready to accept (maybe even to embrace) the fact of drawbacks. It is often like the feeling I am having when being here; because this place locates between two higher hills, I often feel that I am relatively "low", although the fact is that I am 600m above sea-level. Mountainous areas, all in all, are very interesting. I think that challenges created by the environment forces you to think deeper. And all this water flowing down. I have learnt to love and observe water here more carefully than before. What we have to do is to look for the sound of water flowing, both inside and outside.The change I've been through, I think, is a result of gradual changes in my everyday life. It is about decisions to say "no" to your familiar patterns of thought and behaviour. I try to observe these patterns carefully, and then make experiments with something else. I think that before, my main obstruction was the lack of patience and courage for such experiments. Finally I would always resort to the old. On the other hand, even this is not true. I think I was in the deepest bottom with my problems maybe in 2014, and before: after that, I have advanced unevenly to where I am now. And now I am certain enough to observe that spiritual develepment is indeed reality and not only something that I'm dreaming of. At the same time, I have much less ideals. It is more like I tried to connect with water, so to say. I just want to feel that something guides me through this. And sometimes it is easier, sometimes more difficult.And it is so difficult to tell about things like this in such a short message, so I won't even try more....I believe that I will stay there until April. My current plan is that I would fly from Milan to Lithuania, and to reach Helsinki with a boat from Tallinn. I will give more details about my this when things get clearer.I feel somehow blocked. Maybe it is because I am a little bit nervous about certain uncertainties. Maybe I will just send this now.
"because this place locates between two higher hills, I often feel that I am relatively 'low', although the fact is that I am 600m above sea-level"That's a beautiful way to look at these things.I'm glad you've found the courage and patience to experiment. What you describe sounds very good.What's making you nervous?
It was more like a momentary state of mind. I am not nervous anymore. But I guess I am often nervous when I am trying to control the things to come. I wonder what kind of place it is I am going to. The date of departure changed anyhow, I will go at Saturday.Here I have everything. A guitar (I have made four songs in Italy) and a computer, and a lot of space. They are a big help for me in furthering my projects on. I don't know what I'm gonna have in the next place. I often sink into a state of anxiety and worry about what if I don't "do" things enough. It is something I try to get rid of, I just wanna let it flow, take it as it comes. It does not matter anyhow, because in Finland I am mainly going to stay in my country habitat, so I will have plenty of time.And this is the path, and I know I have to go on.
The first text is out there now. I hope it is not awfully boring. It is a description of my vague bicycle trip in August.
I wondered whether I should write this comment here or under your blog post, decided to do it here for no particular reason:Cool. Thanks for giving me/us the opportunity to spend some time inside your head during that trip. Interesting mystical encounters and observations; your writing has its own distinctive kind of poetry. (That "illuminatiwatcher.com" thing about Stanley Kubrick, though....... I don't know, man.)
I am glad that you enjoyed.(Ok. I have no power to argue. I don't want to get angry, it would be against my point. But I feel very sad when people are unable and/or unwilling to see the picture. I just don't understand. I feel sad and alone. What about the interview? Is that something unreliable also? Let me just say that everything can be rejected if you want. It is not the brain, but the heart in the end which understands. This is not a matter of some logical argument, but there is VERY heavy evidence. But just now, I have no time or energy to share everything which has led me to such conclusions about the state of humanity. It is something very devastating, and eats my energy very much, especially when I see that so many good people prefer to consider me just a little bit crazy. I understand also that I am often getting my information from sources which by no means correlate with my worldview in general. Illuminatiwatcher.com is not a website I like very much. But Eyes Wide Shut is a movie which is desperately trying to expose the ultimate evil present in this society. It is ALL about that. That is something I am 100% sure about. And the analysis is good and comprehensive. What can I say? Ok.)
Anyway, tomorrow I am going, and I think I feel I am (oh, that's such a suspicious tripod of subjective assumptions) going to try to live more in the outside, since latest two months have offered me a heavy trip inside my head. I will be updating my "blog" anyway, so see you there.Keep your mind and eyes open, my friends. Ayse, I'm doing my best to communicate my crazy streams of positive energy to your direction. I've got faith in you.
I know what it's like to see a huge problem in society, but feel like nobody around you believes you or cares about what you're saying. It's actually the worst feeling I know. I was unhappy, sad, anxious and frustrated for a long time because I felt like that.I'm not commenting on the possible existence of the Illuminati. I'm commenting on that blog post behind the link you posted.Some years ago I saw a documentary where several different people explained their theories about what The Shining "really" is about. All of the people were incredibly passionate about their theories: apparently they'd spent years developing and proving their ideas about what Kubrick was really trying to say. All of them were absolutely certain that Kubrick was trying to convey a crucially important hidden message - yet everybody saw a different hidden message. Obviously, after all that time and energy, some of the theories were sort of convincing, they'd found countless clues and hidden signs. But some of it was really far-fetched - along the lines of "Take a look at the number of buttons in Jack Nicholson's shirt in this scene. Then look at that shape in the corner - it's a clear number 8. Multiply that with the number of words spoken in this scene - you'll get Buzz Aldrin's birthday. Then look at that shape, it's clearly the symbol of..." I thought that the documentary showed how a hundred people can look at one thing, yet see a hundred different things. Kubrick especially made that possible with his films, apparently he wanted people to create their own meanings. (As far as I know. I admit that I don't know very much about Stanley Kubrick.) That post on illuminatiwatcher.com reminded me of the documentary. I find its logic sort of hard to follow. Other than possible symbolism in his movies, is there reason to believe that Kubrick was personally passionate about the Illuminati?When it comes to the Illuminati itself, I'm an agnostic. How could I say that it doesn't exist? If the whole thing is, by definition, totally hidden and can't be researched or talked about by anyone inside "visible" society, then the fact that it sounds "unrealistic" to me doesn't prove anything at all. Maybe there really is a force that deliberately evil and demonic, pulling the strings behind the scenes. That video you posted, with the guy talking about sacrificed children, is disturbing, I don't know what to make of it. What I do feel relatively certain about is: 1) The media probably won't paint a totally reliable picture of the world as long as they're largely owned by people and corporations that have their own financial and political interests. 2) The richest individuals and corporations in the world have much, much more power over everything than they should have, whereas the vast majority of people don't have much power at all. The wealthiest people are constantly increasing their power, in order to become even richer - in order to become even more powerful - in order to become even richer. It's a horrible cycle. 3) People who have huge amounts of money tend to be(come) morally corrupt and socially irresponsible, and they tend to behave in unbelievably selfish and destructive ways that make the world around them worse. (Noam Chomsky is one person who talks about this stuff in a way that feels credible to me. He's mainly talking about the USA though - I assume that Finland, for example, isn't nearly as bad, but I don't know.) Now, how organized are these people, and in what way? How aware are they of the consequences of their actions? Do they really have some kind of "cult" where (because ruining the world for their personal gain in itself isn't enough for them) they also perform some Satanic rituals, torturing children and stuff? Well, I can't answer that. All I know is that even without such a cult, they seem bad enough.
I will return to these questions when I have more time, more tools, and the energy required.Oh, yes, I can see what you mean. But based on my own research from various different sources, that article presented some fascinating insights that matched with my own contemplations. I am also familiar with the problematic feeling about interpretation of this kind. Problem is that I am not able to share my own research except by days of hard work, so that link really might leave one a little bit confused.Anyway, Kubrick was certainly one deeply concerned about the Illuminati. Eyes Wide Shut, I repeat, cannot be interpreted in any other frame of reference, once you get the point. The Shining, also, is quite clearly an allegory of such a cabal. There is also this confusing question about whether he did or not assist in faking the moon landing. There is actually a video in which he admits it, but on the other hand, his daughter has publicly debunked this alleged assistance. Anyway, we know that Kubrick was closely tied to the people of power, and I remember him to have said somewhere something allusive such as "Never, never get involved with people with power, Never." And his death... well, he was old, but all things considered... I will have to study Kubrick more.Anyway, the existence of the Cabal is not anymore so covered in darkness. Different hints have leaked to daylight. And by practising the art of inference, you can be pretty convinced about its existence in form or another. Disturbingly enough, they seem to be very fascinated about their twisted "religion", practising it artfully. So even all that numerological theory is not necessarily so far-fetched. Anyway, that is a world of total darkness, something so disturbing that even I have my agnostic moments. But in the end, it is an explanation to many mysteries, and I become more convinced every time I start those exhaustive studies.I do not want to become obsessed with this subject either. My "blog" will deal mainly with other themes, but sometimes I will have to handle it. This darkness is so anti-human, anti-life, anti-everything, that we will have to be very careful in dealing with it, because it has the ability make us very afraid and weak. It has no power on us if we are strong enough.
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